Magical Mayhem
by xotakux2002x
Summary: Tobi receives an heirloom lamp from his parents, only to find a genie named Zetsu trapped inside. What's the kid to do with his wishes? Get his friends to date! zettobi sasodei kisaita kakuhidan peinkonan
1. Prologue

Tobi raced into the house through the garage door and threw his book bag into the living room, eager to be rid of the heavy burden he'd been lugging around since he'd left school earlier that afternoon. Quickly the boy raced into the kitchen and retrieved a juice pouch from the fridge, setting his signature orange swirly mask on the countertop and slurping down the delicious beverage with pure delight.

Tobi began wandering around the kitchen at this point, checking the room to see if it needed a bit of tidying up. He'd originally planned to spend his Friday night out and about, but his plans had changed for the worse.

Originally he, Deidara, and Sasori were going to hang out together, but at the last minute Deidara had had a fight with Sasori, and now the two weren't speaking. At that point, Tobi tried to see if Hidan was free, but it turned out the masochist didn't want to speak to anyone because Kakuzu had gone on a weekend camping trip without him, never mind that Hidan hated Mother Nature and everything that had to do with the great outdoors. It was the same for everyone else, except Konan; she'd offered to take him out to the mall, since they so rarely hung out without the others, but Tobi politely declined. He just wasn't in the mood for a shopping spree and pedicure afterwards.

The Uchiha shook his head and sighed. Honestly, his friends could be so difficult at times. He wished more than anything that he could get them to play nice for a while; maybe then they'd realize that most of their problems came from sexual tension, a fact that Tobi had been aware of for years. Oh well.

By this point Tobi had wandered into the living room, and realized he hadn't checked the mail for today. Quickly the teen unlocked the door and stepped outside to check the mailbox, when his foot collided with something.

He looked down and saw a large box at his feet, stamped with a return address from a foreign country. His heart leapt at the sight; this could only mean one thing. "Mom and dad sent Tobi a present!" he squealed, scooping up the package and running back inside without even bothering to check the mail box for anything else.

The poor package was soon set on the kitchen counter and torn wide open by an all too eager Tobi, who nearly knocked his mask off in his frenzy. Inside were hundreds of packing peanuts and a small letter, addressed to Tobi in his mother's familiar hand-writing. Being slightly more careful, the masked teen opened the letter and began to read the message within.

"_Dear Tobi,_

How are you doing? Your father and I are still working to map the desert. It's great fun; soon we should have a complete enough map to know where to build the new school.

Anyway, Abdul suddenly passed just before we left-" And here was a name Tobi couldn't pronounce and didn't even attempt to. "_It was very upsetting for both us and his family._" Tobi knew the words were true; Abdul had been a good friend of the family before Tobi had even been born. Tobi had only met him once or twice, but he always received a birthday present from the man and tried to give one in return. "_His son approached us the next day and gave us one of the family's heirlooms as a going away gift. We tried to refuse, of course, but he insisted that had it not been for your father, Abdul probably would've gotten himself killed years ago. Would you be so kind as to polish this up and set it in the living room on the mantle? I'd like to give them a picture to prove their gift is being well cared for._"

Tobi began digging around through the packing peanuts once again, being very careful in case the mysterious heirloom was fragile. His fingers finally wrapped around something cold and metal, and he extracted the item with great care.

It was a lamp, made of bronze and at least a millennium old, if the patterns carved around the base were anything to go by. He let out a low whistle at the sight; there were more than a few museums that would give their eyeteeth for something so old and well preserved. No wonder his family had been reluctant to separate their friends from such a treasure.

Still, Tobi had to admit, this thing was long overdue for a good polish. No problem; the Uchiha side of his family was fond of handing down brass and silver dishware, and there was always polish lying around the house to make sure the items were properly maintained. In only a matter of minutes Tobi had acquired a bottle of polish and began vigorously rubbing the side of the lamp.

However, Tobi had to stop a moment later and turn the lamp over in his hands. Something about it felt…odd. Almost like it was too heavy. Curious, Tobi held the lamp against the light of the window and tilted the spout so he could peer down it. A-ha! Something, possibly an old cork or some dirt, was clogging the lamp. Well that explained it. Once again Tobi was forced to leave the room for cleaning supplies and came back with a pair of tweezers, intent on jiggling as much of the blockage loose as he could before resorting to dish soap and more advanced tools.

He prodded and poked, grabbed and pulled, twisting the clog this way and that. "C'mon, be a good lamp," Tobi plead. At last he felt the blockage give, and he yanked the tar-covered cork (for that's what it was) loose.

BANG

The lamp seemed to explode out of Tobi's hands as the room filled with a bright green smoke. Briefly, Tobi wondered if the lamp had been booby-trapped many centuries ago, and he was the first person dumb enough to set it off. However, there didn't appear to be any sort of injuries on his body, and the smoke was rapidly clearing away to reveal…to…

Tobi gaped at the sight in front of him.

There, in the middle of his kitchen, where surely there had been no one before, stood a tall man, half snowy white, half black as night, and sporting a scruffy crop of hair as green as the smoke that had just filled his room. He was wearing a red vest and fez with black clouds embroidered around the edges, khaki colored pants, and golden shoes with curled points. All in all, he looked like something that had just stepped out of Tobi's copy of Arabian Nights.

Suddenly the mysterious stranger groaned and stretched, popping several joints in the process. _"_How long were we out_?_" he inquired in a language Tobi couldn't recognize. "**I lost track after the first hundred years**_**.**_" He finally seemed to notice Tobi, and righted himself to stand properly, albeit in a somewhat casual stance. "You; what year is it_?_"

Tobi gaped at the man and shook his head, not understand the stranger.

"Language barrier? **Probably.**" In an instant the stranger had moved to stand directly in front of Tobi and pressed his palm to the boy's forehead. Tobi, completely at a loss, could do nothing but stand there and wait to see what the stranger would do next.

Finally the newcomer moved back, frowning at the boy. "I don't think I like this new language," he remarked in perfect English.

"Oh!" Tobi exclaimed, finally understand the man.

"Whoa," the stranger murmured, glancing around the kitchen in muted awe. "Things got fancy while I was asleep."

"Um, sir?" Tobi nervously inquired. "Who are you? And why are you in Tobi's house?"

The man turned back to Tobi and looked at the teen as though Tobi had suddenly sprouted a second head. "I'm Zetsu. **And I'm obviously here because you summoned me.**"

"No Tobi didn't," Tobi quickly countered. "Tobi was just cleaning out this lamp-"

"**Exactly,**" Zetsu cut in. "**You rub the lamp, you summon the genie. Simple as that.**"

"Zetsu is a genie?!" Tobi gaped. There was no way he could have possibly heard that right. Genies were just fantasy creatures, like talking fish and sorcerers who cursed greedy princes. Sure he'd been raised around the stories his whole life because of his parents' profession, but that didn't mean he believed any of them.

"**You catch on quick.** I'm a thirsty genie, actually." Tobi watched in shock as the man snapped his fingers, causing a goblet of wine to appear out of thin air. He quickly downed the beverage, and with another snap of the fingers it was gone.

"So, um, does Tobi get a wish?" the boy inquired, wondering if that part of the stories were true, of if Zetsu was one of those spiteful, thankless genies whom he'd have to trick back into the lamp.

"Three wishes," Zetsu corrected. "**And no wishing for more wishes,**" he added hastily.

Tobi turned this bit of information over in his head; three wishes? All for himself? "Can Tobi wish for anything?"

"Mostly," Zetsu answered. "For one thing, I don't touch dead people. **It's messy, it's traumatic, and most of them don't like being brought back from the dead.** Messing with love is out too; **I can't tell you how many masters I've lost because they went after a princess and got hacked to pieces in the middle of the night for it.**"

Tobi winced but nodded in agreement. So, no bringing back the dead, and no making people fall in love-

Wait a minute. "Zetsu, could Tobi wish for something that might help people fall in love?"

"You mean a fortune or an army? Sure. **But you still only get three wishes.**"

Tobi bit his lip at the reminder. He had four couples in mind that he needed to get together, but only three wishes. There had to be a way around that rule! The future happiness of his friends depended on it! "So, Tobi can't wish for more wishes?"

"**I just said that,**" Zetsu replied.

"Well, what if Tobi wants to reset his wishes?"

"…Huh?"

"Let's say Tobi asks for some money and a dog," the teen began, "but then for the third wish, Tobi asks to reset the wishes. That way Tobi would lose the money and dog, but still have all three wishes. See?"

Zetsu frowned, pondering these words for a short period of time. Unable to find a flaw in Tobi's logic, he nodded. "**I suppose you could.**" Now the frowned shifted ever so slightly to become a smirk. "**Never thought about that before. Pretty clever, kid.**"

"Good, because Tobi will need all the wishes he can get."

"For what?"

"Tobi has lots of friends who are always sad, but they wouldn't be if they would just start dating."

"There are fruits involved?"

"Tobi means courting," Tobi corrected. He had to be careful about his wording; the genie was a few centuries behind in slang terms, after all.

"So you want me to help these people get together?" Zetsu asked, surprised at the boy's selflessness. Most of his other masters had been greedy monsters once they realized they had an all powerful genie at their disposal, which often had catastrophic results.

"Yup," Tobi replied. "It might take a while, though."

"Fine by me," Zetsu absently replied as he began walking around the kitchen. "I have no idea what century this is, but I think I like it. Where's the food?"

"In the fridge," Tobi replied, a bit put off by the genie's straightforwardness. Most people at least had the decency to ask if it was all right to eat the host's food.

"The what?"

"That big silver box there," Tobi explained, pointing to the fridge.

Zetsu approached the box and opened it, frowning at the cold temperature. "It's broken," he remarked, snapping his fingers once again. Instantly the fridge stopped cooling as intense waves of heat were given off, cooking the food and its packaging within.

"Zetsu, no!" Tobi screamed, rushing over to extract the food before it could catch fire. "Fridges keep food cold!"

"Interesting," Zetsu muttered, watching passively as Tobi attempted to rescue his food. At last the boy was able to convince Zetsu to put the fridge back in working order without wasting a wish, since technically it was Zetsu who had broken the thing in the first place.

Tobi sighed to himself as he began replacing the food. His plans would have to wait. For now, he'd need to explain to Zetsu how things worked in the twenty-first century.


	2. Chapter 1

Unhappily for Tobi, the teen had to spend nearly a week educating Zetsu on the twenty-first century, which involved sitting the genie in front of a TV while the masked teen was in school, and then answering Zetsu's questions when he came home. It was amazing to see how fascinated the genie was with things as simple as zippers or plastic dishes; then again, there was a gap of at least 800 years to cover. Finally, when Tobi was reasonably sure the two of them could go out in public without the genie gaping at every little thing, he decided to put his plan into action. And the first step of that plan? Confirming that the rest of it was a good idea.

"Why are we hiding in the bushes?" Zetsu griped, picking a few stray leaves out of his hair. "**It's damp and uncomfortable in here.**"

Tobi merely rolled his eyes at the grievance; for an all-powerful magical entity, Zetsu was certainly whiny. Currently the duo was hidden in a clump of bushes outside the local Jashinist church, waiting for Hidan to finish his daily meditation/swearing session. "Tobi is checking to make sure his friends are actually gay before doing anything."

Zetsu raised a brow at this. "**Shouldn't you already know if they like chicks or dicks?**"

Tobi made a mental note to block MTV from the list of channels Zetsu was able to watch. The man was sure to pick up more slang that could be offensive in certain social circles, and would probably use them in those situations. "Well they haven't said it, but Tobi thinks that's because they assume everyone else already knows. So, Tobi and Zetsu have to track them down and make sure. Oh, here comes Hidan!" Time to make his first wish. "Tobi wishes he had a gaydar!"

"**The hell is that?**"

"Remember that military program Tobi showed you, with the radar on the ship?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Well a gaydar is like that, only it detects how gay a person is. Now Tobi wishes it, so make it happen!"

Frowning at Tobi's insistent demand, Zetsu nevertheless snapped his fingers. The next moment found Tobi holding a rainbow device shaped like a pizza slice, humming softly as the meter attempted to pick up on a target. "All right, let's test it," Tobi suggested, pointing the indicator on the pointed end of the device towards Zetsu.

The gaydar hummed and cracked as the dial moved left and right on the scale of 0 to 10, finally settling on _'5; will screw anything hot'_. "Sounds about right," the genie admitted with a smirk.

"Perfect. Ok, now to check Hidan." Trying to be as sneaky as possible, Tobi pointed the gaydar at his friend and waited for the readout to come in. _'6: butch but can usually dress himself properly'_.

"**Sounds like a winner,**" Zetsu remarked, peering over Tobi's shoulder.

"Yup. Next one!"

-m-

"Who's the target this time?" Zetsu asked, pen hovering over the checklist Tobi had made.

"Itachi and Kisame," Tobi replied. The two were now seated in the top of a tree, hiding among the thick foliage that also provided them with adequate shade in the August heat, with Tobi peering out of the branches through a pair of binoculars. "Tobi is 99% sure Itachi is gay, but Kisame's much harder to read. Look, they're in the living room."

Zetsu took the binoculars from Tobi and peered through the house's window, catching sight of two men, one with dark black hair and eyes, the other with deep blue hair, lighter blue skin, and gill-like scars across his cheeks. "**The blue guy reminds me of a prince I hexed a few millennia ago,**" he remarked before handing the binoculars back.

Tobi blanched at the statement but chose not to inquire. From what little the genie had told him, Tobi believed that most of the people who came in contact with Zetsu and his magic tended to meet unpleasant fates. Returning his attention to the task at hand, Tobi pointed the gaydar towards his friends. Unfortunately for the masked teen, the gaydar only whined and vibrated in his hands, the dial jerking about without ever landing on a number. "What's wrong with this thing?" he muttered, thumping the device a few times, to no avail.

"I'd say their readings are interfering with each other," Zetsu remarked. "You'll have to wait until one of them leaves the room."

"But there's no time for that!" Tobi pouted for a few minutes, thinking, when suddenly an idea came to him. "Tobi wishes for a picnic basket full of squirrels equipped with safety gear!" Zetsu was completely confused by the request but, being a genie, was obligated to grant the wish nonetheless. With a snap of his fingers, Tobi suddenly found a chirping, squirmy picnic basket in his lap. "Perfect!" And with that, Tobi reached into the basket, grabbed a squirrel, and began pelting Itachi's door with the furry creatures.

Zetsu watched in quiet fascination as the squirrels hit the door, bounced off, and then scurried across the lawn to safety, completely unharmed due to their miniature vests and helmets. After a few squirrels had been thrown, Itachi finally rose from the couch and disappeared from sight, presumably to open the door. Quickly Tobi took Kisame's reading and got a 5, before Itachi opened the door and presented himself as an unaware target. The gaydar was pointed at the weasel, and a few moments later they had a reading of _'8: gay as a fresh spring day._' "Great, now we can go-"

Suddenly the machine began to go haywire again, much to both Tobi and Zetsu's surprise. "Interference?" Zetsu suggested.

"Yeah, but from where…" Tobi began looking up and down the street, eyes finally catching sight of someone. "Oh."

"Oh?"

"Deidara's coming this way," he explained.

"Deidara?" Zetsu looked to where Tobi was pointing to see a young man with long blond hair done up in a treetop ponytail, hip hugger jeans, and a midriff fishnet shirt walking down the street. "Oh."

"Yeah…"

"Tobi, I know he's on the list, but do we really need to check him?"

"Good boys don't assume people are gay because of their looks, Zetsu."

"Tobi, I've lived in harems full of women that were less girly than that. **Hell, I've had masters with harems of men that didn't scream homo so much.**"

"Zetsu!"

"What? Check him yourself." Tobi did just that, and was greeted by a reading that slightly went off the charts. '_10.5: queerer than a three-dollar bill._' "**Told you.**"

"Well this takes care of sempai," Tobi remarked, trying to change the subject. "And if Deidara is out here, than he and Sasori had another fight, meaning that Sasori is moping home all alone! C'mon, Zetsu and Tobi have to hurry before they can make up."

-m-

A trip to the Akasuna's house revealed Sasori was a '_4.5: gay but occasionally sees women to give his parents false hope_'. "That just leaves Kakuzu and Pein," Tobi stated as he and Zetsu walked down the street. "It's Thursday, so they should be over at Konan's for poker night."

"Tobi, why don't you just wish us there?" Zetsu inquired hopefully.

"Nice try, but Tobi isn't going to use his third wish for anything but wish resetting," Tobi chastised. "If Zetsu is too tired, he can go home for this part."

"Tempting, but I need to stick around in case you accidentally use that third wish."

"Then quit whining and be a good boy like Tobi."

The rest of the walk passed by in relative silence, until at last they arrived at the quaint townhouse that belonged to Konan's family. "It's only four, so Kakuzu probably hasn't cleaned them out yet."

"So, this Kakuzu's a pretty good gambler?" Zetsu grinned. "I ought to try my luck against him some time."

"Wouldn't using magic be cheating?"

"Who needs magic when you've got 1800 years of experience on your side?"

"Still cheating," Tobi decided. "Ok, we need a distraction…" As quietly as he was able to, Tobi opened the mail flap on Konan's door and stuffed a number of squirrels through it. "And now, we wait."

It took a few minutes for anything to happen; long enough for Zetsu and Tobi to hide themselves, but almost too long for the pair to feel that the plan had succeeded. In fact, Tobi was about to sneak out of their hiding spot (this time a rhododendron bush) to stuff more squirrels through the mail slot, when a crash and Konan's screaming echoed through the air. "Show time."

Konan's outcry was followed by numerous crashes, screams from both Pein and Kakuzu, and finally a rather scratched up Pein stumbling out the front door with several squirrels in his hands. "How the hell did you guys get in here," the ginger murmured as he released the furry critters back into the wild. "And for that matter, who dressed you up in those outfits?"

Tobi took advantage of Pein's confusion to do a quick check of the ginger. The result? '_.5: straight but might go gay for Neil Patrick Harris._' Perfect; his plan actually required this particular friend to be straight.

Seeing that Pein was still distracted, Tobi and Zetsu crept through the bushes and snuck around to the kitchen window to see Kakuzu helping Konan pick up the numerous cards, snacks, and poker chips that had been knocked over by the squirrels' untimely arrival. A quick check of the banker showed he registered a 6, thereby cementing Tobi's theory that most of his friends were, in fact, gay. Konan was straight as an arrow (he knew that from a drunken New Year's party, don't ask), so there was no need to stay any longer. He and Zetsu waited for Pein to go back into the house before taking off towards the Uchiha's home. "Tobi wishes to reset his wishes!" the masked teen demanded as they hurried down the street. Zetsu snapped his fingers once again, and suddenly Tobi was without his gaydar and squirrels. So, it really was that simple.

"I assume we're going to move on to the next stage of the operation now?" Zetsu inquired, slowing down now that they were a fair distance away from the house.

"Yup," Tobi replied, already attempting to formulate a solid plot in his mind. Now that he knew there was a chance of his plan working, Tobi needed to get started on his scheming.


	3. Chapter 2

"Maybe Tobi could…no, Deidara sempai would never go for that." Sighing, Tobi wadded up the piece of paper containing his most recent plan and tossed it on top of the veritable mountain of paper overflowing from his wastebasket. This was so frustrating; he knew that his friends were gay, and he knew that they were perfect for one another, but he didn't know how to get them together! The teen sighed and buried his masked face in his hands. Why did doing good have to be so hard?

"TOBI!"

Said boy jumped in his seat and bolted from the room. Zetsu sounded like he was in trouble, and if an all-powerful magic genie needed help, something was surely amiss. Down the hall, down the stairs, around the corner, and at last Tobi screeched to a halt outside the living room. "What is it, Zetsu?!"

"Have you tried these?!" Zetsu demanded, levitating a bag of cheesy puffs into Tobi's alarmed face. "They're delicious!"

"Yes Zetsu, Tobi has tried Granny Anko's Cheesy Yummers," Tobi groaned, pushing the bag away. Another obstacle in his quest to hookup his friends was Zetsu, his live-in genie. The man had started to poof things into the house after seeing them on TV, and treated every modern food convenience like it was the nectar and ambrosia of the gods. So far in the past week, Tobi had been summoned for three different soft drinks, two brands of potato chips, several brands of beef jerky and numerous imported cupcakes, just to name the most memorable instances.

"Mm, the perks of being immortal," Zetsu moaned as several cheesy puffs hovered out of the bag and dove straight into his mouth. "I wonder how tasty food'll be in another 600 years."

"Well while Zetsu is doing nothing but stuffing his face, maybe he could help Tobi figure out how to get Tobi's friends together," Tobi suggested, flopping down on the couch by the genie.

"**Why don't you just wish for a romantic evening for them, huh?**"

"Tobi already explained that! There are four couples but only three wishes, so someone would get left out. Besides, even if Tobi but together a romantic date for them, they'd just feel awkward and run away."

"**Tough break,**" Zetsu commented between another round of cheesy puffs and a swig of soda.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Tobi muttered, reaching for the cheesy puff bag. Unfortunately, before he could even touch a single puff, Zetsu yanked the bag out of his reach. "Hey!"

"Uh uh uh, these are mine, kid," he chuckled. "**You want some, you've gotta make a wish for some.**"

"Why is Zetsu so desperate for Tobi to make his wishes?" the Uchiha demanded while making another lunge for the bag.

"Because," Zetsu explained, lifting the desired snacks out of Tobi's reach, "everyone else has been desperate to use their wishes as soon as they can. **You're making me feel like I've lost my touch over the years.**"

"As soon as Tobi knows how to use the wishes, he'll use them," the Uchiha promised, at last grabbing the bag and eating a few of the puffs. "So help Tobi figure out what to do!"

"**Fine.** Who're the lucky guys?"

"Wait here." Zetsu did as instructed, zapping a few more bags of chips and soda cans into the rooms as Tobi ran back upstairs, remained there for a few minutes, and then dashed back downstairs with a stack of papers in hand. "Ok, here's the first couple. Deidara sempai and Sasori."

"I remember them," Zetsu remarked, looking at one of the photos on the table showing Deidara tackling a startled Sasori at what appeared to be a pool party.

"They've been best friends for a very long time, and Tobi is almost sure that Deidara sempai likes Sasori. But Sasori is always so…callous with Deidara, and they argue all the time. But Sasori has to like Deidara too!"

"You're not making a very good case for him."

"No, see, whenever Deidara tries to date someone, they're always jerks and they always break up with him, and Tobi thinks it's because Sasori makes them leave Deidara alone!"

"You know, Deidara might just have terrible taste in men. **Or Sasori could be a total dick.**"

"Tobi's telling you, they're meant to be! They just don't know it yet."

"You sure?"

"Yes. Maybe. It's more of a hunch, really. But Tobi's hunches are usually right!"

Zetsu rolled his eyes but decided to go along with his master's plan, for now. "So how do we get them together?"

"Well, first Tobi needs to figure out why they always fight and get them to stop it, because if they're unhappy there's no chance of getting them to go out."

"**Great.** How do we do that?"

-later that day-

"I hate bushes. **Hate them with a passion.** They're damp and cold and itchy and-"

"Shh!"

"**Seriously, if you wish to burn all the world's bushes to the ground, I won't count it as one of your wishes.**"

"Zetsu, be quiet! Sempai and Sasori are going to hear us!" Tobi peered out of the bushes to see if their targets had indeed caught on. Much to his relief, both men were still seated at the café across the street, talking as if they had no idea they were being spied upon. "All right Zetsu, Tobi wishes for state of the art spy equipment so he can hear what they're saying!" Zetsu snapped his fingers, and suddenly a high-tech microphone and earphones appeared in a cloud of smoke. Tobi quickly adjusted the earphones and pointed the microphone towards Deidara and Sasori. Perfect; it was so sensitive he could hear the duo setting down their coffee cups!

"So Deidara, mind telling me why you invited me out today?" Sasori asked, sipping his coffee.

"I just wanted to see you, un," Deidara answered, swirling his coffee around in the cup. "Make sure everything's ok, un."

Sasori sighed and set his cup down. "Brat, I stand by what I said. He was no good for you."

"He was my _boyfriend_, Sasori!"

"And that matters how?"

"You scared him off! You know what the last thing he said to me was, un? 'Sorry Deidara, but I don't feel safe dating you anymore.' What the hell did you tell him, un?!"

Sasori was staying remarkably calm throughout this, merely sipping his coffee as his blond friend grew angrier and angrier. "I just told him that if he didn't stop saying distasteful things about you in the locker room, he was going to become intimately familiar with my car trunk."

"And how do you know I didn't do those things, un?! I'm entitled to mess around with who I want, aren't I?"

"Brat, do you even know what he was implying about you two?"

"Oooh, this should be good," Zetsu purred, leaning in and trying to overhear the conversation through Tobi's headset. "**Virgins always have the dirtiest fantasies.**"

"Zetsu, be a good boy!" Tobi hissed, shoving the genie away. "Tobi is trying to hear!"

"**Pervert.**"

"Regardless," Deidara snapped, stopping Zetsu and Tobi's argument, "you shouldn't have stepped in, un. You wanna know why I'm really pissed, Sasori danna? It's because you always do this. Whenever you think something's wrong with my boyfriend, you don't come to me and talk about it, un. You sneak around behind my back and threaten to kill them or castrate them or dump them in the middle of a field, un!"

"Because the last time I tried to let you work it out," Sasori explained, annoyance finally creeping into his tone, "you stuck with him until he hit you, and I actually had to beat him up."

"So what you're saying is I have lousy taste in men, un," Deidara growled, shooting the redhead a pointed look.

Sasori sighed and rubbed his temples. "Not terrible taste, Deidara. Just…unfortunate."

Tobi and Zetsu looked to each other, confusion apparent on both faces. What was that supposed to mean?

"Tch, unfortunate." Deidara chuckled, looking down at his coffee. "That's a word for it."

"Deidara-"

"Don't bother. Your answer's going to be the same as always whenever we talk about this, un."

"Deidara, you're my best friend. Why isn't that enough?"

"Because I don't want that anymore, un! I need…" Deidara bit his lip and looked away, grip tightening on his coffee cup. Whatever he had been about to say was clearly a sore spot between the two of them.

"Deidara, please," Sasori pled, reaching for his friend.

"I need to take a walk, un." Deidara suddenly stood up, knocking his chair over and startling several nearby patrons. "See you at school, Sasori." And with that the blond stormed off, leaving a sullen Sasori behind to sip his coffee and deal with the confused people sitting around their table.

"Whoa," Zetsu muttered, watching Deidara rush away. "**Methinks blondie has a thing for fire crotch.** And I was right about Deidara's taste in men."

"Zetsu!"

"What?!"

"It's just…never mind. Come on, let's go back home. Tobi has big plans for these two, now that he knows why they're always fighting!"

"**For the record, I'm going along with this not because I think it's a good idea or because I have to grant your wishes, but because I think this is going to backfire hilariously.**"

"Zetsu is not a good boy."

"**And I'll never claim to be.**"


	4. Chapter 3

"So, are you going to let me in on the plan now?" Zetsu asked. As soon as Tobi had made it back to the house, he'd told the genie to have a seat in the living room, while he went up to his room and furiously drew out his plan on several pieces of paper. Zetsu, for his part, waited patiently in the living room and began watching soap operas, which fell snugly under the category of twenty-first* century innovations that he enjoyed far more than was probably reasonable. Once Tobi had completed his drawings, he'd returned to the living room and pinned the charts up for the genie to see and was now preparing to present his case.

"Ok, here's the deal," Tobi began. "Sasori and Deidara like each other, but Sasori doesn't want to mess up their friendship, see?" Here he pointed at a crudely-drawn Sasori and Deidara standing beneath a dark storm cloud. "Sasori's scared to take that next step, and he can get away with dodging a relationship like that because he keeps saying that Deidara picks bad guys."

"**Duh, I was there when he said that.** What's your point?"

"Sasori won't make the next move because he knows there's no chance of Deidara sticking with a jerk, since he can always scare them off! See, he doesn't have to make a move because there is currently zero risk of Deidara finding Mr. Right and Sasori losing him forever."

"Go on."

"But, if Deidara happened to find someone perfect for him (Tobi punctuated this by pointing to a picture of a "perfect boyfriend") then Sasori wouldn't have a good excuse to run him off! Therefore, Sasori would have no choice but to finally man up and admit his feelings to Deidara, and he and sempai will get together and live happily ever after!"

"You're planning on making him jealous?"

"No…more like crushing Sasori's soul with the prospect of losing the love of his life forever and ever."

"That's terribly cruel, especially for someone who professes himself to be a 'good boy' all the time." Zetsu smirked and popped his knuckles. "**So, making with the wishing.** What exactly does this Deidara guy need to have in a perfect guy?"

"He's got to have muscles and brains," Tobi began. "And sempai's an artist, so the boyfriend should be artistic in some way. He needs a terrible sense of humor, be kind and kind of spontaneous, supportive, handsome, have some of sempai's classes…that should do it."

"One perfect man, coming right up."

-the following Monday-

"Ok, Keiichi, there's Deidara," Tobi said, pointing to his sempai down the hall. "Go on, get him!"

Deidara was absent-mindedly getting his books out of his locker. The most recent argument with Sasori was still fresh in his mind, and he had a good mind to give his danna the silent treatment for a few days. Sighing, he shut the locker and leaned against the cool metal door. That would never happen. One look from Sasori and he'd be right back by the redhead's side, still angry and bitter but there all the same. Stupid teenage hormones and high school crushes!

Deidara had been so busy lamenting the current state of his love life that he'd failed to notice one of his textbooks was making a break for freedom, and was startled out of his musings by the feeling of the weight in his arms being lightened and the crash of a book to the floor. "Of course, un," he muttered. Before he could stoop to get it, though, a pale arm shot out and scooped up the book, prompting Deidara to look towards the arm's owner.

The teen was a male about his height, with dark brown hair that dangled in his face, hazelnuts eyes, and a very nicely toned body. Deidara could see a few studs in the kid's ear, leading him to wonder if there were any more body modifications on him. Finally, he noticed the male had a sly grin directed at him. "I'm guessing this is yours?" he inquired in a gentle baritone.

"Yeah, thanks," Deidara replied, reaching for the book.

Much to his dismay, however, the newcomer held the book out of Deidara's reach and grinned all the wider for doing such. "Uh uh, if you want it back you've got to make a trade."

"What do you want, un?"

"Well, I may have kinda told that nice lady at the front office that I could find my way to my classes without her help, and it's recently occurred to me that that was probably a poor decision on my part, and I really don't want to be late on my first day, so-"

"You're completely lost and need directions, un," Deidara surmised.

"Exactly! So, think you could help?"

For some odd reason, Deidara found himself agreeing to the teen's request and asked for his schedule to see where he needed to go. "Let's see…oh, you actually have chemistry with me, un."

"Ah, thanks," the newcomer stated as he returned Deidara's textbook. "I was about to have to speak crappy Russian and pretend I didn't know where anything was because I can't speak English. Gets you out of a tardy slip every time, you know."

"You wouldn't, un."

The teen merely grinned at the assertion and drew himself up to his full height, putting the sternest expression possible onto his face. "Vodka? Czar? Marx! Soviet Russia!"

Deidara couldn't help but snort at such a ridiculous sight, doubling over with laughter and sending more books to the ground. This time the newcomer picked them up and returned them without making any demands. "What, no trade this time?" the blond inquired.

The brunette shrugged. "Hey, you laughed at my joke. All my sister ever does is throw pillows at me when I try my act at home. Everyone's a critic, you know."

"Tell me about it, un. I'm Deidara, by the way."

"Keiichi. Pleased to meet you. And, not that this hasn't been real, and fun, and maybe even real fun, shouldn't we be going to class right now?" Looking at a clock on the wall, Deidara swore and grabbed Keiichi by the wrist, hauling the poor kid down the hall towards the chemistry lab.

Tobi, meanwhile, was congratulating himself on a job well done. Keiichi and Deidara had immediately hit it off; now he just needed for Sasori to come into the picture, and then the Akasuna would finally man up and go for Deidara!

-later that day-

Things were going rather smoothly, considering that this was one of Tobi's more delicate plans. Keiichi and Deidara had bonded over chemistry and world history in the morning, and by lunchtime were acting like the best of friends. Tobi thought this was a wonderful development, and even went as far as not glomping Deidara at lunch time so that the blond wouldn't be distracted from his new brunette companion.

One important detail that Tobi had failed to plan for was how the rest of his friends would react to Keiichi's presence.

Tobi et al had unofficially become a group known as Akatsuki years ago, at the beginning of middle school. Pein was their unofficial incompetent leader, Konan was his right-hand man (or woman, if you wanted to be technical). Everyone else sort of broke off into pairs, except for Tobi who tended to hang around Deidara. This being their senior year, they'd been a united group for around six years, which is a rather long time to those people in the world who've just recently turned eighteen. It should come as no surprise, then, to hear that some of the teens viewed Keiichi's sudden appearance in their group as something akin to home intrusion.

"You ever heard of this guy?" Hidan whispered to Kakuzu, who merely shook his head. Neither the miser nor the zealot had warmed up to Keiichi quite yet, and had settled for speculating about him.

Kisame, meanwhile, was frantically texting Itachi under the table, trying to relay details of this newcomer to his friend, who was currently slaving away in advanced Calculus and therefore didn't share a lunch period with this section of the Akatsuki. "Itachi wants to know if he's joined any clubs yet."

"How the hell would we know?" Hidan hissed, keeping a wary eye on Deidara and Keiichi in case they decided to look their way. "Pein or Konan usually handle that shit; but they're in class right now…"

"Tobi, do you know anything?" Kakuzu asked, looking to the masked teen.

Tobi was grateful that his mask kept him from looking like a deer caught in headlights; hurriedly he pulled himself together and, in a voice that was more high-pitched and nervous sounding than he would've liked, replied, "Nope, not a thing! Sempai hasn't told Tobi anything, and Tobi wanted to be a good boy and not pry."

"Figures," Hidan muttered before he and Kakuzu went back to their speculation. Tobi looked to Deidara and Keiichi, and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that the two were still comfortably buried in their conversation. Zetsu had done a great job of making an ideal boyfriend for Deidara; Tobi owed the genie a thank-you for that.

-one week later-

"Zetsu, are you home?" Tobi called out as he walked into the house and dumped his backpack in the front foyer.

"SHH!" came the response from the living room.

Rolling his eyes, Tobi walked into the living room and saw (to no one's surprise) that Zetsu was staring at the TV with a blank look on his face, as though entranced by the television program playing before him. "Does Tobi even want to know what's going on?" the Uchiha asked as he seated himself by the schizo and helped himself to the bowl of potato chips sitting on the coffee table.

"Rachel is about to give Isaac another chance, but Claus has photos of Isaac secretly eloping with Martha! The marriage was actually annulled a month later, but Rachel doesn't have a clue, so Claus is going to steal her for sure! **These human dramas are just so juicy.**" Tobi merely rolled his eyes at the genie's antics; so far he hadn't seen any harm in letting Zetsu watch soap operas, aside from the genie getting unnecessarily irritated when his programs were interrupted.

Tobi was a good boy and waited patiently for the episode to finish, even refraining from making a critical comment when the show ended and Zetsu made a sound like a kicked puppy. "**So many questions answered, but so many more left unanswered!**"

"If Zetsu is done, Tobi has good news!"

"You know how the next episode goes?!"

"No, nothing like that." Zetsu looked slightly depressed at the message but allowed Tobi to go on. "Deidara and Keiichi are getting along great! They actually went out on a date tonight!"

"How are the rest of your friends taking it?"

"Well most of them like Keiichi, but Pein still thinks something is off so he's making Itachi tail them. But Tobi didn't wish for Keiichi to be a jerk, so everything will go perfectly! And then Sasori will realize his mistake, and he'll confess to Deidara, and then-"

KNOCK KNOCK

Tobi and Zetsu both turned toward the front door, wondering who in the world who be visiting Tobi on a Tuesday afternoon. "Zetsu, hide!" Tobi demanded, not wanting to have to explain what a genie was doing in his living room watching soap operas.

Zetsu for once obeyed the teen's order without demanding that it count as a wish, and quick as a flash had vanished from the room with a poof of smoke, probably to hide out in the guest bedroom that was currently serving as his residence. Once he was certain that the genie wouldn't be making a reappearance, Tobi walked to the door and answered it. "Hello?"

"Hi Tobi. Can I come in for a bit?"

"Sasori? What is it?" Tobi inquired, stepping back so the redhead could enter his home. "Is something wrong?"

The question was valid; Sasori looked very much like someone had both stolen his wallet and run over his puppy, all while his house burned down in the background. Without offering much explanation, the redhead made a beeline straight for the kitchen and took at seat at the table, waiting for Tobi to do the same. "Er, can Tobi get Sasori anything?" the Uchiha asked, motioning towards the fridge behind him.

"No thank you, Tobi. Actually, I'm only going to be here for a little while; I came because I need a sounding board of sorts, and you're the only one of us who isn't going to judge me too harshly if I speak what's on my mind."

"So something is wrong with Sasori," Tobi guessed as he took a seat across from the Akasuna.

"Yes and no," Sasori admitted, biting his lip as he grappled for the right words to express the depths of his plight. "Tobi, you've no doubt noticed how closely Deidara and Keiichi have became, haven't you?"

"Mhm," Tobi nodded, feeling his heart racing with excitement. If this conversation was going where he thought it was, his sempai and Sasori would soon be together!

"Do you think Keiichi would ever harm Deidara in any way?"

Tobi shook his head. Sasori definitely didn't have any excuse now. Any second, the redhead would finally man up and confess…

"That's a relief," Sasori admitted with a sigh and soft smile. "Now I won't feel too bad."

"Feel too bad…?"

The Akasuna nodded before going on. "Tobi, I've always been hesitant to get too far away from Deidara, and a large portion of that probably stems from wanting to keep him safe. He's my best friend in the whole world, but your sempai isn't exactly a master of self-preservation, as you well know by this point."

Tobi was confused; all this was correct, but what was Sasori getting at?

"I'd become convinced that he could only find things that were destructive to himself, especially in the boyfriend department. But if he can find a good relationship like the one he'll have with Keiichi very soon (don't give me that look, you and I both know it's going to happen), then I don't have to worry anymore. So I'm going to apply to art school in Kirigakure."

"But-!"

"I know, Deidara has no intention of ever going there, and we've been talking about going to college together for forever. But Tobi, I can't hang around Deidara for the rest of his life! He'll make new friends when he leaves for college, figure out what he really wants to be…he'll outgrow me, Tobi," Sasori quietly added at the end. "I'd rather be gone before that happens."

Tobi knew that he should be yelling at Sasori right now, telling him that the redhead was a complete idiot and that there was no way Deidara would stick it out with Keiichi (mostly because Tobi would have to unwish him, but that was something he'd rather not explain right now), yet nothing came out of his mouth.

"I'll miss him, but this is the right thing to do, isn't it? Letting him go? Yes, I'm sure of it…" nodding to himself, Sasori rose from to table and pushed his chair in. "Thanks for listening, Tobi. I'm sure the other would've just given me a hard time." Tobi merely nodded to the redhead, unable to move as the Akasuna showed himself out of the house, pulling the front door shut behind him.

Tobi remained at the table for a full minute, letting the reality of the situation wash over him in wave after terrible wave of horror. There was only one thing to do in this situation. "ZETSUUUUUUUUU!"

-one explanation later-

"**I told you this was going to backfire hilariously, didn't I?**"

"This is not hilarious in the least, and now is not the time for gloating, Zetsu! Oooh, Tobi has to fix this soon, or else sempai and Sasori will never live happily ever after!"

"So, what are we going to do?"

Tobi paced the kitchen in small, hurried steps, stroking his chin beneath the mask as the gears turned in his head. "It has to be something big and dramatic. Something that will completely and totally split up Deidara and Keiichi. And it has to be done soon!"

Zetsu thought for a moment, trying to figure out what sort of spell he could use to fulfill Tobi's wish. It hit him in a moment of brilliance, and Tobi knew from the devious smirk on his face that whatever the genie had in mind was sure to be catastrophic. Well, desperate times called for desperate measures and all that. "Tobi, where are they right now?"

The masked teen quickly texted Deidara about his location, and discovered that the blond was with Keiichi at the local mall. "What exactly is Zetsu planning to do?"

"**Oh, you'll find out very soon.**"

-m-

Deidara and Keiichi were having a lovely time, all things considered. They'd spent a few hours in the local arcade, and then moved on to the food court for some fries and sodas. They were planning on playing one more round of Fist of Deathly Death II: The Reckoning, before heading home. "So, ready to epically fail against my awesome fighting game skills?" Keiichi asked, grinning at the blond.

Deidara merely rolled his eyes at the assertion. "Please, un. You barely won the last round; one more hit and you would've been out, un!"

"Ah, but I did not get the last hit, leading to my absolute victory and your shameful demise." Deidara opened his mouth to retort-

"KEIICHI!"

Both teens spun around to see a teenager with bright red hair and green eyes staring at them, dressed in a tuxedo that looked like it had been through several natural disasters while its owner was wearing it. "You thought you'd gotten rid of me over the falls in Barbados, and that mistake will cost you dearly!"

"What, un?"

"Claus." Keiichi's eyes narrowed at the newcomer. "We meet again."

"Don't take that informal tone with me! You lost that right after you scammed Lisa out of her inheritance!"

"Better than letting you marry her only to later kill her for the inheritance and insurance!" Keiichi shot back.

"What's going on, un?"

"Well it doesn't matter now," Claus stated, chuckling to himself. "Because I finally have the proof that will ruin your chances with-what was your name, kid?"

"Deidara, but why-"

"With Deidara! For you see, everyone (and Deidara was mortified to realize that a rather sizable crowd had indeed gathered around them) this man is not what he appears to be! He poses as an innocent high school student, when in reality his is an international thief, married to a young woman by the name of Rachel!"

"NO!" Keiichi shouted.

"And here is the wedding photo!" Claus continued, holding up an 8x11 picture for all to see.

"You're married?!" Deidara exclaimed.

"No, it was a mistake! We had it annulled a month later, I promise!"

"Yes, right around the time you ran off with Lady Furnival's family jewels! Well the jig is up, my old nemesis! At last, you will face the music!"

"NEVER!" Keiichi screamed before bolting across the food court and rushing out of the mall. Claus was on his heels in an instant, chasing the brunette out of the mall despite a nearby security guard finally hopping into action to try and contain the mayhem.

Meanwhile, poor Deidara was left standing in the midst of a very large, very confused crowd, and was unsure of whether he was more bewildered or embarrassed. "What the hell just happened, un?"

-meanwhile, across the food court-

Tobi had watched the entire spectacle with ever-increasing horror, wishing desperately that he could rescue his sempai from this public humiliation but at the same time knowing that it was for Deidara's own good. "Poor sempai," he whimpered.

"Om nom nom…"

"Must Zetsu eat popcorn while watching this?!"

Zetsu nodded, popping a few more kernels in his mouth as he did so. "This is perfect! **Oooh, next week's episode is gonna have to be spectacular to beat this.**"

"Tobi is never going to take Zetsu's advice again. Ever."

"Mhm. They're out of sight by now; **wanna reset the wish?**"

"Yes please."

A snap of the fingers later, Tobi knew that his wishes had been reset, and he was definitely no closer to getting Deidara and Sasori together than he'd been before. If anything, the two were even less likely to get together now, despite Tobi's immediate attempts at damage control.

Tobi sighed and stole a handful of Zetsu's popcorn, much to the genie's dismay. Back to the drawing board then.


	5. Chapter 4

There are many things that could be said about Tobi, but the idea that he was easily deterred from his goals was not one of them. His overwhelming and embarrassing defeat only strengthened the Uchiha's resolve to get Sasori and Deidara back together, and darn it, he'd make sure his sempai and Sasori fell in love if it was the last thing he did!

Now to try and get Zetsu to stop laughing long enough to help with the plotting.

"Is Zetsu done yet?" Tobi asked, watching the genie with increasing annoyance. A few minutes of chuckling was something the masked teen could understand, but after poofing them back home, Zetsu had fallen to the kitchen floor in fits of laughter and was still rolling around twenty minutes later. Surely even a genie would be worn out by now?

It took a few more minutes before Zetsu finally pulled himself together and sat up, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes and ignoring the death glare from Tobi. "The look on Deidara's face…priceless!"

"Well if Zetsu is done, he needs to help Tobi think up another plan!" Tobi snapped, letting a little bit of irritation seep through his normally cheery personality. "Tobi was positive that jealousy would work; Sasori's always been so clingy and protective! Grr, this throws a wrench into the machine, to put it lightly."

"Why exactly am I helping?" Zetsu inquired, taking a seat at the kitchen table and conjuring up a bag of pork rinds. "**The arrangement was that you make the plans, and I make the wishes.**"

"If Zetsu doesn't help, Tobi will stop paying the cable bill!"

"So?"

"So, that means no more soap operas!" Ok, it was a petty and childish threat to take away one of the things which Zetsu loved most, but Tobi was desperate! Besides, it was for a good cause and happened to be the only leverage the Uchiha really had, since he was fairly certain Zetsu hadn't discovered the magic of torrenting yet.

The genie's demeanor quickly changed from cheery to ominous, and Tobi watched in shock as mini storm clouds of doom and despair gathered around the schizo's head. "**You wouldn't dare.**"

"Tobi does! Dare, Tobi means. Nothing in the world is more important than making Tobi's friends happy, and Tobi will do whatever it takes to make that happen!"

The clouds grew larger and actually shot out miniature lightning bolts at the masked teen, but Tobi wasn't budging. The battle of wills finally ended when Zetsu, seeing that there was no way out in his favor without helping, finally dismissed the clouds and gave Tobi a sour look. "Your determination is admirable, **if annoying as hell**. What are we going to do now?"

"Good question…" Tobi sighed and sank down at the kitchen table across from Zetsu, leaning back as far as the cheap wooden chairs would allow him to tilt. "Deidara definitely wants Sasori, so Tobi doesn't need to worry about him. The problem is still Sasori. Sasori thinks that he and Deidara are just going to fall apart if they get together, but they've been best friends since forever ago!"

"Forever?"

"Well, Tobi didn't meet them until middle school, but apparently Sasori and Deidara have been best friends since they were five. People just don't throw away friendships like that!"

"At least they didn't in my time. **Hell if I know what you humans do now.**"

"First things first. Tobi needs to reinforce that friendship so Sasori quits being such a, such a…doubtful Donnie!"

"A what?"

"No time for questions, Zetsu! Tobi needs solutions!" But no ideas or plans were forthcoming to either the genie or the teen, and a few hours later they called it quits and drowned their sorrows in zombie movies and soda on the couch. At least the day wasn't a complete waste.

-m-

Tobi's tragic attempt at getting his friends together had resulted in one positive benefit, though; the Akatsuki had become a much tighter-knit group. Keiichi's erratic behavior and sudden disappearance from their town had confirmed Pein's suspicions about the man, and the Akatsuki as a whole had clamped down on who they did and didn't let around them. "Yeesh, and people say we're the weirdos," Hidan grumbled one day after school. "None of us has ever been that much of a jackass."

"Except maybe you."

"Fuck you, Kakuzu!"

Deidara had so far stayed out of any commentary on his ex (the Akatsuki always badmouthed them after his breakups, so there was no point in interfering) but at least Sasori had the decency not to make any remarks of his own after this fiasco. Still, Tobi couldn't help but notice the barest hint of a smile tugging at the corner of Sasori's lips whenever Keiichi's insanity was brought up by one of the others.

"If you people are done, we have more important things to worry about," Pein snapped, attempting to get his friends to refocus their attention on him. Really, it didn't pay enough to be the unofficial leader of this band of hooligans, and Pein would've quit years ago if he wasn't reasonably certain that most of the Akatsuki members would probably accidentally kill themselves without his guidance. "Our bi-monthly fun night is coming up, and no one has any idea what we should do!"

The Akatsuki made a point of gathering together at least twice a month to do something outside of school for an evening, in order to keep their friendships and group moral strong. Often they'd go to a roller skating rink or the mall, but these options had worn thin over the past few months, resulting in the Akatsuki having nothing to do this coming Saturday night.

"We could see a movie," Kisame suggested. "But that's not really hanging out, I guess."

"Church of Jashin?" Hidan put forth, just like he did every month.

"No," the others chorused, just like _they_ did every month.

"Tch, assholes."

"There must be something we can do," Konan lamented when no other ideas were forthcoming.

"If it were spring we could go to the fair," Sasori muttered, "but there's just not much to do around here in autumn."

Tobi suddenly felt an idea burst forth in his brain. That was it; a festival! Something late at night, with lots of happy people and delicious food all around; it was the perfect thing to get his friends back on good terms. The masked boy quickly rose from his seat on the ground and turned to leave, drawing the attention of the other members. "Tobi? Is everything all right?" Konan asked.

"Yeah! Tobi just, um, remembered that an exterminator is coming over today, and Tobi needs to be home to let him in!" Giving him odd looks but nevertheless accepting this explanation, the others bade Tobi farewell as the masked teen took off towards home, running and not stopping to catch his breath until he'd gotten inside the house.

"What's the rush?" Zetsu asked from his seat on the couch. As usual the genie was sprawled out, surrounded by junk food and watching soap operas while waiting for Tobi to get home. "I thought you were with your friends today."

"Tobi figured it out, Zetsu! And Zetsu better be ready, because this is going to be a really big, really fancy wish!"

"Really?" The genie actually got up and popped his neck, grinning at the promise. "Let's get to it."

-that weekend-

"Ok Tobi, what's the big surprise?" Konan asked. "Kisame keeps texting me and asking where we're going, and I need to answer him soon."

"Don't worry, Pein will see it when we get there!" Tobi assured her with a smile.

Tobi had promised the Akatsuki that there was something on the county line they'd love to see, and somewhat skeptical but always up for an adventure, the teens had taken off. Kisame and Itachi were driving together, as usual, Sasori was riding with Kakuzu and Hidan (someone had to, or else their arguments would invariably end with the car in some ditch) and Tobi was riding along with Pein, Konan, and Deidara, the latter of whom was sitting beside Tobi and staring out the window, lost in his own thoughts.

"I see something," Pein announced, looking to the left as he drove along. "Tobi, is that…?"

"The next county over is having their fair this weekend," Tobi explained with a grin. "And it was only a couple miles out, so Tobi thought it would be fun for us to go together!"

The entirety of that explanation was an outright lie. Everyone and everything at that fair had been the product of Tobi's wish. The location had been selected so the Akatsuki wouldn't wonder why they didn't recognize anyone present, and so the fair could later be wished away without any suspicion. Hopefully the others wouldn't ask too many questions; well, Itachi was the one who normally did that, but lately he'd been on the phone every waking minute of every day, so there wasn't too high a risk of that.

Pein quickly parked the car near the fair entrance (Tobi had been sure to request several close parking spots), and the others soon joined them, looking to the lights and music of the fair. "Wow Tobi, how'd you find this?" Konan asked.

"Tobi heard a lady mention it at the grocery store," the teen lied with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Who cares; let's go in!" Hidan took off like a shot towards the rides, and Kakuzu was forced to hurriedly lock his car and race after the Jashinist.

Pein shook his head at the two; the others would be lucky if they saw the miser and zealot at all for the rest of the night. Still, that was to be expected with Kakuzu and Hidan, and he led the rest of the Akatsuki into the fair with little hesitation. "All right, everyone left who has a reasonable amount of sanity: what should we do first?"

"I could go for some chili dogs right now," Kisame stated with a longing glance towards the food booths. "Who's in?"

"Oooh, lemon shake-ups!" Konan squealed. "I'll get us a few!"

"I'll go with her," Pein decided. "Kisame, could you get us some nachos to split? And maybe a funnel cake too."

"Don't worry, Itachi and I can handle it," Kisame assured their leader. "Right Itachi?"

The weasel wasn't paying attention to his partner, however, and was instead focused on his cell phone. "No service. Too many people."

"Just as well; seriously, you spend way too much time on that thing," Kisame scolded. "C'mon, I know you want some cotton candy." Somewhat reluctantly, Itachi pocketed his phone and followed the shark to a nearby food stall, prepared to carry whatever his friend ended up purchasing.

Tobi couldn't help grinning behind his mask. He'd set up the food booths perfectly to draw away the majority of his friends, thereby leaving Deidara and Sasori alone under his watchful gaze.

"Tch, amateurs," Deidara muttered with a shake of his head. "You don't get food before going on rides, un."

"Is that what you plan on doing?" Sasori inquired.

"Uh-uh," Deidara replied with a shake of his head. "We're going to play some games, un!"

"Brat, those things are rigged. If you win a single game, I'll buy you all the food you can eat here."

Deidara grinned at the challenge. "Be prepared to empty your wallet, danna. I've got an empty stomach and wicked throwing arm, un."

To his credit, Sasori avoided any signs of nervousness until Deidara had stepped up to a balloon dart booth and taken aim. Three darts and three popped balloons later, the carnie declared Deidara a winner and handed him a novelty lollipop the size of the bomber's face. "HA! Told you danna."

"Best three out of five?" Sasori weakly suggested.

"Uh-uh. You're buying me fried bananas and slurpies until I'm puking rainbows, un." Sasori and Tobi wrinkled their noses at Deidara's assertion, but if the blond noticed their discomfort he chose to ignore it. Instead, he grabbed hold of Sasori by the forearm and began tugging his friend back towards the food area, eager to claim his prize before the Akasuna could back out of the deal.

Tobi walked after Deidara and Sasori in the direction of a food booth, only to be abruptly yanked between a ring toss game and fortune teller tent. "EEK!"

"How goes the wish? **Fire crotch loosen up any?**"

"Zetsu?! Don't yank Tobi around like that!"

The masked teen turned to look at the genie who was decked out in a pinstripe suit and straw hat, looking every inch a carnie (minus the half-black, half-white skin). Tobi was quite surprised to see the genie; his wish had knocked the schizo off his feet, and Zetsu had sworn he'd need at least half a day to get back to full strength. "Why is Zetsu here?"

"Well I saw a carnival on TV, and all the food looked too good to pass up. _Mm, is there anything you humans can't improve by deep frying it?_" Zetsu's eyes rolled back in his skull as he let out a small moan while devouring a fried candy bar.

Tobi rolled his eyes behind his mask; he'd forgotten that the only thing the genie liked more than twenty-first century TV was twenty-first century food. "To answer Zetsu's question, Sasori and Deidara are by themselves right now, and Tobi is working on making sure they stay civil to one another! So please, don't do anything crazy."

"**Yeah yeah, I'll behave.** Now to try that cow tongue sandwich…" Shaking his head at the schizo, Tobi stepped back out into the main road and went after his friends.

Judging by the look on Sasori's face and the stack of plates in front of Deidara, the blond had held Sasori to his word, albeit he'd failed to eat the lollipop. "Oh man, I'm stuffed. Now to go on that tilt-a-whirl, un."

"Oh no, you are not about to puke up all that food I bought for you," Sasori scolded. "You said it was a bad idea yourself."

"But danna!" Deidara whined.

"No. We'll find something else to do, brat."

Deidara humph'ed at the Akasuna's chastising and guzzled the rest of his slurpie. "Fine, un-AAAAHH!"

"Brain freeze?" Sasori smirked at his friend, who was twitching in obvious discomfort with a scrunched-up face.

"OWOWOWOW!"

"Press your tongue to the roof of your mouth, Deidara." When the blond's screams had been reduced to whimpers, Sasori dipped a napkin into his water cup (the only thing he'd been able to afford after Deidara's snacking binge) and wiped slurpie off the blond's cheek. "You did this when we were ten, remember? Only that time it was ice cream."

"That was the day you got sunburned so badly you couldn't go outside for a week, un," Deidara chuckled. "You whined every time your grandma tried to put aloe vera on you."

"Well pardon me for thinking my grandmother would bring waterproof sunscreen to a water park," the Akasuna grumbled with a slight blush to his cheeks. "But that _was_ a good day."

Deidara nodded, grinning at the memory. "Hey, since we can't go on a ride, want to see the haunted house, un?"

"You do realize it will be tacky, cheesy, not even a little spooky, and probably smells like stale popcorn and sweat, right?"

"Yup. You in?"

"Always." Tobi had to suppress an urge to squeal when the two artists got up and cleared their plates, completely forgetting the masked teen in their rush to the haunted house.

Tobi followed from a safe distance as Sasori and Deidara meandered through the different rooms in the haunted house, rolling their eyes at the "ghosts" and commenting that they could've done better paint jobs on the zombies and vampires' fake blood. By the end of the walk they were chatting and laughing together like they hadn't done for months.

The joking was temporarily halted by a text coming in on Sasori's phone, which prompted a frown and an eye roll from the redhead after being read. "Well Pein managed to twist his ankle getting off the Ferris wheel, so he and Konan are going to leave now."

Tobi made a mental note to wish that Pein's sock drawer was full of cockroaches, as soon as he could pry Zetsu away from this smorgasbord of carnival food.

"Oh. That's our ride, un," Deidara half-heartedly remarked with a look to Tobi. "I guess I'll see you later, Sasori."

"Oh. Are you sure you don't want to…you know…ride home with me?"

Deidara shook his head. "No way. Those two are going to be fighting about something when they leave, and you guys probably won't be out of here until 2 in the morning, un." Waving to the puppeteer, Deidara began walking towards the park entrance.

Tobi offered his own farewell and walked after the sculptor. As he left, though, he couldn't help notice a somewhat pained look behind Sasori's normally blank façade, nor the way the redhead's hands seemed to twitch like he wanted to grab something.


	6. Chapter 5

"Where does Tobi go from here? Hmm…"

"**Seriously kid, you're still stressing over Deidara and Sasori?** Why don't you take some time to rest? **Before you pop a vein or something.**"

Tobi shot the genie a withering look. Both men were currently reclining on the living room couch, with Zetsu watching yet another daytime TV drama as Tobi drew out blueprints and plotted how to get Sasori and Deidara to go out with one another. The masked teen had been at it for hours with no luck, and even for a good boy like him, patience wasn't infinite. "This is a serious issue, Zetsu! Tobi has to play his cards just right. If Tobi tries to get them together too soon, they'll end up fighting again. But if Tobi waits, then Deidara will get another boyfriend! Argh!"

Zetsu actually sat up and moved closer to Tobi, giving the teen an exasperated look. "**Fine.** You really want my help with this?"

"Yes please."

"**Then stop panicking.** Those two love each other, and it's their fault for not figuring it out, Tobi, not yours. Just, I dunno, make them realize they love each other more than normal friends."

Tobi thought over the genie's words for a minute, leaning back into the couch as he did so. "You really think it's that simple?"

"**Duh. I swear, you humans are pretty much impossible sometimes.**"

"Hey!"

"Not you, them. Weren't you saying they've been best friends since they were five? **Sheesh, you'd think with all that history together-**"

"That's it!"

Zetsu gave Tobi a confused look. "What is?"

"Zetsu, shut down the TV and get ready to take a hike!"

"**Why in the name of-**"

"Sleuthing, Zetsu. We're going sleuthing. And Zetsu will need a disguise."

"I'm not going to like where this is going, am I?"

"Probably not."

-m-

DING DONG

Chiyo looked up from her knitting and glanced towards the door, wondering who could possibly be coming over to her house at 4 p.m. on a Thursday. Bingo night wasn't until Saturday, and unexpected guests were few and far between nowadays. Regardless of her surprise, though, Chiyo had always been a good host and disliked making people wait on her doorstep (particularly when she'd just put a batch of cookies in the oven and knew Sasori wouldn't come home for a few more hours). Setting aside the blanket she was making, the elderly woman rose from her seat and crossed the room to open the front door. "Hello?"

"Hello Granny Chiyo!"

"Tobi! Oh goodness, I haven't seen you in a while." Chiyo had always had a soft spot in her heart for the masked boy, second only to her affection for Sasori and Deidara. She'd always loved how polite the teen was, how he always profusely thanked her for gifts like cookies or scarves in the winter, and how he was the only person besides Sasori to always call her Granny Chiyo.

"Sorry Granny," Tobi apologized. "Tobi promises to come over more."

"And who is this?" the old woman asked, looking down at Tobi's feet.

Sitting beside the masked teen was a Dalmatian, spotted all over with a vibrant green collar around its neck. Although the dog looked incredibly healthy, Chiyo could almost swear that it was giving Tobi a miserable look.

"This is Zetsu. He's Tobi's new dog!" Tobi patted the dog on its head, making the poor creature whine. "Shake hands, Zetsu!" The dog refused to move. "Go on Zetsu, shake!" The dog gave Tobi a look (no, surely Chiyo was imagining that, right?) and extended its paw.

"How cute!" Chiyo cooed, shaking the paw before petting the Dalmatian. "Such a good boy; and so handsome too!"

The dog sat up a bit straighter at that.

"So Tobi, what brings you here today?"

"Tobi and everyone else are working on a project!" the younger man stated. "And we need your help."

"Oh my. What can I do for you younguns then?"

"Well…"

-several hours and several pounds of cookies later-

"Thank you Granny Chiyo!" Tobi chirped as he and Zetsu walked out the door, the masked boy's arms laden down with brightly colored binders. "I'll bring these back later, promise."

"Don't worry, sweetie," the old woman replied. "And don't be such a stranger!"

Once Chiyo was back in the house and no one else was in sight, Dalmatian Zetsu vanished in a puff of smoke and was replaced by the genie's normal appearance. "Was that really necessary?"

"Zetsu, Tobi can't let the others know about you!" the masked teen explained. "They'll start asking questions, and they'll either think Tobi's letting a complete lunatic live in his house, or they'll find out about the magic and think Tobi's forcing them to fall in love through devious means!"

"**Despite the fact that I explicitly stated my magic can't be used for true love?**"

"It's the principle of the matter, Zetsu. Zetsu needs to stay Tobi's secret." Tobi carefully readjusted the binders in his arms and took his backpack off and stuffed the binders inside, straining the confines of the bag. "Come on; we need to get the rest."

"The rest? The rest of what?"

"You'll see, Zetsu. You'll see."

-two hours of gathering various items later-

RING RING

Deidara reluctantly sat up from where he'd be lying on the couch and dug his cell phone out of his pocket to flip it open with a groan. Who was calling him now? He was right in the middle of moping after yet another awful breakup, and wanted a minimum of three more days to eat potato chips and watch cheesy romcoms. "Hey, un."

"Deidara sempai!" a familiar voice chirped over the phone.

Urgh, just what he needed. "Tobi, I'm not in the mood to play today, un," Deidara flatly stated.

"Sure you are, sempai! Otherwise you would've just hit ignore, like you always do when Tobi calls!"

Ouch. Ok, so maybe the blond did tend to ignore Tobi's requests to come over to his house, or hang out together, or study for exams…but that didn't make him a bad friend, right?

"It's ok, sempai. Tobi understands that you probably would rather just sit at home all alone than play with him. It's fine. No one really likes playing with Tobi anymore, so Tobi's used to it."

Double ouch. Now Deidara felt like a gigantic ass for turning down his friend so much recently. It was only because Tobi always seemed so happy, and miserable people (like certain blond teens who'd just experienced the most humiliating breakup ever of all time) preferred not to be around those who were chipper and upbeat (like certain Uchihas that had not experienced such a miserable breakup). Still, Tobi and Deidara were friends, and even if Deidara just wanted to sulk and throw himself a grand ol' pity party, he needed to put some effort into their friendship (particularly since Tobi was trying so hard when he knew his friend was down). "No Tobi, I'm actually really bored right now, un. Do you want to do something tonight?"

"Well, Tobi did have something planned, but it's super super secret! Deidara sempai has to promise not to tell anyone!"

Deidara smiled at this; leave it to Tobi to come up with a covert plan on a Thursday night. "What is it?"

"Come over here in an hour, and you can help Tobi with it!"

"Sounds good. Pizza, un?"

"With extra cheese and breadsticks!"

Deidara smiled again and agreed, before hanging up the phone. Tobi could be a pain in the ass, sure, but deep down the two were fairly good friends. Maybe spending an evening with the masked teen would do him some good. At the very least, it had to be better than sobbing into a bag of chips during the climax of the movie playing on his TV. For now, he needed to find the number for their favorite pizza parlor and put in the order. At this time of night, he'd probably be waiting half an hour or more for the food to be done and delivered to Tobi's.

Meanwhile, several miles down the way, Tobi hung up his cell phone as Zetsu let out an appreciative whistle. "**Damn kid.** You are good."

Tobi shrugged at the compliment and pocketed his phone. "If you can't beat 'em, guilt 'em," he explained. "Now Tobi just has to make sure that everything is in place!"

"You need me for anything else?"

"Nope, Tobi has it all under control."

"Sweet. **Let me know if things backfire again.**" And with a snap of his fingers, Zetsu had vanished from the room, presumably to hide out in the guest room and watch more soap operas. Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last time, did Tobi regret teaching the genie about the magic (pun intended) of DVR. Pretty soon it was going to be completely full of poorly written and horribly budgeted daytime drama.

Tobi shook his head, trying to push those thoughts aside. He could worry about Zetsu's TV habits after he executed this plan. If his latest idea was to work, then it would need his full attention for the rest of the night. Tobi therefore spent the next hour meticulously emptying the binders around him of their contents and dumping them on the living room's coffee table, before hiding the binders themselves in the storage closet down the hall. He'd been running around town all day to gather these, even going so far as sneaking into a few of his friends' homes with the hope of being able to return the items before anyone noticed they were gone. It was all for a good cause, though, so he wasn't really a bad boy for breaking and entering.

Before he knew it, an hour had passed and a knock was heard at the door. Tobi rushed to answer it and met not only Deidara in the doorway, but the pizza delivery boy as well. "Hi sempai, hi pizza man!"

"Err, hi," the delivery boy replied. "That'll be $22.50, sir."

"I've got this Tobi," Deidara interjected, fishing out $25 from his wallet and telling the man to keep the change. Taking the pizza, Tobi then led Deidara into his house and straight to the kitchen for plates and drinks.

The duo spent some time in the kitchen eating and talking, catching up on each other's lives since they hadn't hung out together in quite some time. Finally, when the last slice of pizza had been gobbled up and the last drop of soda extracted from their cups, Deidara asked Tobi about the secret project. "So, what exactly are you working on, un?" he inquired as they cleaned up the trash and tossed it into the garbage bin.

"Well, since everyone's going to different colleges after this year, Tobi wanted to do something special before that! So, Tobi got all the photos of us he could find, and now Tobi's going to make an album of our years together!"

Deidara raised a brow. "Really? That's pretty cool, un."

"Tobi thought so. But, there's a lot of pictures to go through, so if Deidara sempai wants to help, Tobi would love it!"

"All right, Tobi, I think I can manage that, un," the blond chuckled as he set his plate in the sink. "So, where are the pics?"

"In the living room," Tobi answered as he led the pair into the other room.

"Holy crap, you weren't kidding, un!" Deidara exclaimed when he saw the coffee table. There were literally hundreds of Polaroid photos scattered over the wooden surface, in no particular grouping or order. Yearbook photos were mixed with pictures taken during summer vacation, and more than a few were water damaged. "You were gonna do this by yourself?! It would've taken days, un!"

Tobi shrugged. "Tobi doesn't mind. It's fun to go through all these memories."

"I guess, un," Deidara replied as he took a seat on the couch. He began flipping through some of the pictures with a thoughtful look on his face. "Hey, is this the time we went to that old theme park?"

"Uh-huh," Tobi confirmed after seeing the picture. "Remember how Kisame wasn't in this picture because he had that bad sandwich and ran to the garbage can to puke right before we took this?"

"Oh yeah," Deidara chuckled. "Oh, look at this one!"

And so the two boys spent the next couple hours going through mounds of pictures, reminiscing on good and bad times and taking snack breaks every now and again. And hey, if there just happened to be more pictures of Sasori and Deidara than anyone else, who was Tobi to speak up about it? The masked teen doubted Deidara noticed, or if he did probably just assumed that it was all in his head. So far, the plan was going great. Now he just needed the last piece to fall into place, and unfortunately that was a bit out of his control. He just had to hope that Sasori would notice a certain something was missing from his room…

Deidara's phone suddenly beeped, indicating that he'd gotten a text. Tobi held his breath as the blond checked the message, frowned, and then looked into his messenger bag ("It's a satchel, not a murse, un!"). He rummaged through the contents, muttered, "Oh crap," and then sent a reply text to whoever had contacted him.

Tobi had a pretty good idea what the message was about, but feigned ignorance for the sake of his scheme. "Who was that, un?"

"Sasori. I accidentally grabbed his physics book when we were studying yesterday, and he needs it to redo his homework, un. You don't mind if he comes over for a while, do you?"

"Of course not! Maybe Sasori can help sempai and Tobi!"

"Thanks, un. I've just been so flaky lately-"

"It's ok, sempai! Mistakes happen all the time!" And when they didn't, Tobi was quite willing to sneak into Sasori's room while Chiyo was pulling a batch of cookies out of the oven, steal his textbook, smuggle it home, and then hide it in Deidara's bag when the blond was distracted by photos, in order to make it look like an accident.

Tobi was really beginning to hope that karma let you cancel out bad deeds with good deeds, and that they didn't just simultaneously accumulate over your life.

It took about twenty more minutes before Sasori arrived, and Tobi practically dove for the door before Deidara could so much as say, "I'll get it!" The masked teen had to make sure that Sasori made it into the house, otherwise this plan was all for naught.

Tobi played the part of the polite host and invited Sasori inside for a snack while he retrieved the physics book. The redhead of course never made it to Deidara's bag, because he was distracted by the photos scattered across the coffee table. "What are these?"

"Pictures, un! Tobi's putting together an album of all the things we've done in Akatsuki, un."

"Really? Like what?"

Deidara giggled and held up a picture. "Like the time we found out Hidan was allergic to that Shea body lotion and broke out in hives, un."

Sasori took hold of the picture and bit his lip to keep from laughing. "He blew up like a balloon and thought Jashin cursed him, I remember."

"Hehe, I know!"

Sasori set the picture down and picked up another. "Oh, here's a picture of us graduating from middle school."

"Gah, burn that, un! I looked so ugly back then."

"Never. This is ammo for a future favor I may or may not call in some day. What else is here?"

Tobi took this opportunity to stealthily remove himself from the room and allow the two to look through all the pictures he'd gathered. Sasori and Deidara laughed, grumbled, and joked around about their shared memories, until they got to one particular picture that Tobi had mixed in with the otherwise innocent photographs.

The photo depicted a very young Sasori and Deidara sitting on the couch together, Sasori with red, puffy eyes and Deidara covered in sweat and bawling his eyes out. Sasori had wrapped his arms around the blond, and Deidara was squeezing the life out of Sasori. "This picture…"

"You remember this, danna. Don't you?"

Sasori nodded, staring at the picture. "I couldn't ever forget."

-12 years ago-

_Deidara wasn't sure what was going on. His parents had told him to put on his dress clothes and be on his best behavior, before putting him in the car and driving to a new part of town. The blond couldn't figure out why his parents looked so sad; they were going to see his best friend, Sasori! The redhead had been missing from school for the past two days, and Deidara had been worried about him. But now they were going to see him!_

Deidara's confusion was multiplied when they pulled into a parking lot outside a small building he didn't recognize. "Daddy, what's going on, un?"

No answer.

"Mommy, why are we here, un? This isn't Sasori's house, un!"

Deidara's mom slowly turned around in her seat to look at her son. "Sweetie, this is a funeral home."

"A funeral home, un? Like for dead people?"

"Yes, Deidara. You remember when Sasori stayed over at our house this weekend? Well, there was a gas leak, and…" the woman stopped speaking and turned back around, sobbing softly into her hands.

"Deidara," the blond's father continued, "Sasori's parents have died. Do you know what that means?"

"W-what? But, they can't be dead, un! They have to take Sasori to school, and they promised to take us camping this summer-" Deidara's mom began sobbing wildly, cutting Deidara off.

"I know, son, but that's not going to happen anymore. They're gone now, and they're never coming back," Deidara's dad continued. "So you need to be a good friend for Sasori right now; he's very upset and could really use you." Deidara's eyes welled up with tears as his parents unbuckled him from his seat and took him inside the funeral home.

The room was full of people dressed in black and talking in hushed whispers amongst themselves. Two coffins were at the front of the room, surrounded by flowers and pictures of Mr. and Mrs. Akasuna. At the front of the room, Chiyo was receiving visitors and speaking to them through teary eyes, while Sasori sat in a chair beside her, staring ahead at the ground without saying a word. The Iwas walked to the front of the room, waiting in line to pay their respects. At last they reached the two Akasunas and shook Chiyo's hand, with Deidara's mother going as far as embracing the woman. "I am so very sorry," she whispered to the aged matriarch. "Hebe and I were friends for so long-"

"I know, child, I know," Chiyo murmured, hugging the woman tightly. "Your friendship meant so much to my son and daughter-in-law, and I will always be grateful for that." The old woman glanced down and noticed Deidara. "Deidara, thank you for being here. Sasori will be-"

"Go away," the young redhead muttered.

Chiyo gave her grandson a surprised look. "What?"

"I don't want Deidara here. Make him go away."

"Sasori-" Deidara started, but was stopped by his mother.

"I'm sorry," Mrs. Iwa apologized. "I realize this is a tough time for you two."

"But-"

"Deidara, not now."

"It's all right, he means well," Chiyo stated. "Sasori just…needs some time."

"Of course. We just wanted to pay our respects." And with that the Iwas departed, but not before Deidara cast one final look back at his best friend. This state of affairs would not do.

Two days later, Sasori still hadn't returned to school. Deidara was finally fed up, and after school that day snuck out behind the bus line and began walking down the street. It barely took any time to get to Sasori's house when their parents drove them, so walking couldn't be much harder, right?

An hour later, Deidara was rethinking that strategy. He was hot and covered in sweat, and Sasori's house was still a long ways off. The blond boy was close to giving up on walking and just crying his eyes out until an adult came along and helped him, but every time he remembered how sad his friend had looked at the funeral home, his determination was reinforced and drove him on.

Finally, nearly two hours after school had let out, Deidara made his way to the front door of Chiyo's house. He walked up to the door and knocked against the frame repeatedly until the old woman finally answered. "Deidara, what are you doing here?!"

"I want to see Sasori, un."

"Yes, but…your parents have been worried sick! Oh, come in, I need to call them and let them know that you're all right." Deidara entered the house at this, dropping the backpack at the door and going further in the house. Chiyo had already gone into the kitchen, dialing the Iwa household to let two frantic parents know that their son had not in fact been kidnapped, he'd just wandered down to his best friend's house.

Deidara made his way into the living room and found Sasori sitting on the couch. The redhead barely spared a glance for his friend before returning his attention to a photo of his parents that was balanced on his lap. "Go away."

"No, un," Deidara replied, climbing onto the couch as he did so.

"Deidara, leave me alone."

"No, un!"

"Deidara-"

"I'm sorry that your parents are gone, un! It's not fair, and it makes me really mad, un. But you're not gone, Sasori. Please don't ignore me, un."

Sasori glared at the blond. "They weren't your parents, Deidara! You still have a mom and a dad right now! You don't get to be mad."

Deidara sniffled. "But they were always n-n-nice to m-m-me, un. And you're my b-best friend, s-so d-don't act l-like you h-h-hate me because I-I'm sad t-t-t-oo, un."

Sasori reigned in his anger at this. "Your voice-"

"I c-c-can't talk r-r-right when I'm upset, un," Deidara sobbed, tears running down his face now. The blond had been seeing a speech therapist twice a week for his stutter, but when he got too stressed the stutter returned full-force. "P-p-please don't h-hate me, S-s-s-sasori, un."

Sasori looked at his weeping friend for a moment, and then patted the couch beside him. "Deidara, come here."

The blond sniffled and scooted over beside his best friend, settled in, and then squeezed the redhead as tightly as he could. "S-s-sasori, p-p-please don't b-b-be sad, un. I'll always b-b-be here f-f-for you, un. I p-p-promise."

"I know you will, Deidara," Sasori replied, hugging the blond back. "But my parents are gone. It hurts so much." And for the first time since his parents died, Sasori actually cried. "I miss them."

"I know, d-d-danna."

"What did you call me?"

"D-d-danna, un. Because I r-r-respect you s-s-so much, and I'll always l-l-look up to you, b-b-because you're s-s-so strong n-n-now, un."

Sasori squeezed the blond as more tears poured down his face. "I miss my mommy and daddy. I want them back!"

By the time Chiyo got off the phone and walked into the living room to let Deidara know that his parents were on their way, both boys were hugging each other and crying. For some reason, there was something so sweet and emotional about the scene that Chiyo couldn't help but pick up a nearby disposable camera and snap a quick picture. Minutes later, Deidara's parents arrived and promptly chewed their son out for worrying them half to death. The blond was later grounded for a month, but it was worth it; when he went to school the next day, Sasori was back.

-m-

Sasori continued to look at the photo as Deidara wrapped his arms around the redhead. "I meant what I said that day, Sasori danna. I really do respect you, un."

"Deidara…"

"I know that you've been hurt," the blond went on, squeezing Sasori in his arms. "I know that if you ever lost me, like if I died or suddenly stopped talking to you, it would hurt you a lot, danna."

Sasori hugged Deidara back. "I can't do it again," he whispered. "I can't lose someone else. It's bad enough that Granny Chiyo is going to die from old age before I want to lose her; if you go too, it'll kill me."

Deidara smiled and brought Sasori's head to rest on his shoulder. "Danna, I won't abandon you, un. Even if we never get together…it'll hurt, but it won't make me leave you. You mean so much to me, danna. No matter what happens, you and I will always have a bond, un."

Sasori pulled back a little at this, looking Deidara in the face. "You really mean that?"

Deidara smiled again. "Of course I do."

Sasori looked down and bit his lip. "You've always meant that, haven't you?"

"Well, yeah, un."

"It's just…how can you be that way? You've wanted to date me for _years_. How can you just…act like it's ok if you never get to have that?"

Deidara's expression didn't change. "Because that's what it means to love someone, un. Even if we can't be together, I still want what's best for you. I want you to be happy, to have a good life, to get everything out of life that you can, un. Maybe you won't get that with me; and if that's the case, I don't want to keep pressing you and make you worry and think that we're eventually going to drift apart. I just want the best for you, danna."

Sasori bit his lip, staring at the photo in his lap for several minutes. At last, he turned his attention back to Deidara and kissed the blond on the lips. Deidara squeaked in surprise, eyes widening at the act, before he hesitantly put his hands on Sasori's shoulder and kissed him back. They broke apart soon after, Deidara looking into Sasori's eyes for some sort of explanation. "Deidara, I could spend the rest of my life looking for someone that cares about me half as much as you do. You've loved me for years; I see that now. And maybe my fears are right, and you and I won't end up together long term. Maybe things will get rough, and ten years from now I'll find someone else. Regardless of whatever happens then, I know that not dating you now will be the biggest regret of my life."

Deidara allowed himself a tiny ounce of hope. "You mean…?"

"Deidara, I'm sorry for hurting you because of my own insecurities. Please, if it's not too late…will you go out with me?"

Deidara squealed happily and glomped Sasori, knocking the redhead backwards onto the couch. "Of course, danna! Honestly, you can be so thick sometimes, un."

Tobi did his best to resist the urge to clap his hands together and cheer at the sight. Finally, all his hard work had paid off! Sasori and Deidara were together, at long last.

The masked teen chuckled as Deidara began to practically drown Sasori in kisses. There was no way that getting the others together could possibly be as hard as this mess. Yup, surely it was all downhill from here.


	7. Chapter 6

Tobi found it very difficult to contain his excitement the following day at school. Knowing that Sasori and Deidara had gotten together but hadn't told anyone yet was so delightful! It was like Tobi was in on a surprise party, or a really big scandal that was minutes away from making media headlines. By the time Sasori and Deidara finally showed up and joined the others at their usually spot before school, Tobi was practically bouncing in his seat.

The other Akatsuki members were completely unaware that anything was different, at first. Deidara and Sasori were sitting pretty close together, but that wasn't entirely unheard of on days when they were getting along. But then, Sasori leaned over and gave Deidara a light kiss, making the blond giggle and snuggle into the redhead's side. Hidan had been looking in their general direction at that moment and saw everything. "Dude!" he shouted, pointing at the pair.

"What, Hidan?" Kakuzu asked, the others slowly looking to the Jashinist as well. It wasn't unusual for the Jashinist to yell for no apparent reason, so there was no immediate cause for alarm.

"Deidara! And Sasori! They kissed!"

Everyone's attention was suddenly on the artistic duo, needing confirmation for such an outrageous claim. "Are you two…?" Pein began, motioning for Sasori and Deidara to explain.

"We're together!" Deidara squealed, bouncing up and down in his seat. "Danna finally decided to go out with me, un!"

"Sasori!" Konan exclaimed. "You didn't tell me about this?!"

"I was busy," Sasori explained with a shrug. "Deidara can be a handful when he wants to be."

"But I'm your handful, Sasori danna," the blond shot back, drawing the sheepish redhead into a tight embrace and rubbing their faces together.

"Brat."

"Danna." Sasori smiled and kissed Deidara, dispelling all disbelief in their claim.

Just like that, everyone's attention was drawn to Sasori and Deidara. Questions were flung, noogies were dished out to both artists, and a general merriment filled the air. Konan was upset that she hadn't been told immediately that the two were going out, Pein was hoping that the two finally getting together would bring a little peace to the group, Kisame kept teasing them, Hidan was pressing the pair for sex details (while Kakuzu smacked him on the back of the head and told him to behave) and Itachi smiled as he scribbled in his notebook, doing who knows what. Tobi sat to the side and watched all of this with a huge smile on his face. He knew that getting those two together would be a good thing, but this was beyond amazing! All the headaches and trouble caused by his scheming was nothing compared to the joy brought about by his success. But there was no time to rest now! He needed to start planning to bring the next couple together: Itachi and Kisame.

-m-

Tobi's planning soon suffered an tragic setback, unfortunately, in the form of a short, blonde, blue-eyed woman by the name of Ms. Perkins.

As far as Tobi was concerned, Ms. Perkins was one of his favorite teachers of all time, and easily his favorite English teacher. She was fun and engaging, and actually cared about her students. But if your grades took a nosedive, you'd have an easier time pleading for mercy from Saint Peter at the pearly gates than from her and her grade book. Tobi, sadly, had ended up in the red as far as grades went, and spent the following Wednesday afternoon sitting in a chair in front of her desk, trying to look anywhere but at his teacher's face.

"Tobi, you come to class every day," Ms. Perkins stated, eyes glued to her ledger. "You always participate in class discussions, you always have something to say about the book, but somehow you've bombed the last two pop quizzes, failed to turn in several papers, and you fell asleep during the last test!" The woman finally looked up over her spectacles at Tobi. "Can you explain what's going on here?"

The honest truth was that Tobi had been extremely busy formulating plans to get Itachi and Kisame together, especially since he'd been so energized after getting the artists to date. Itachi was an incredibly complicated person, and the only person who probably knew the extent of his relationship with Kisame at this point was the weasel himself. As such, this plan required 110% of Tobi's concentration, because even the slightest misstep would send the entire scheme back to square one, or even further than that. Ok, so maybe he'd forgotten to study for a quiz or two as a result, and maybe some papers fell by the wayside, and maybe he'd been staying up a little too late on some nights, but it was for a good cause! Not that he could tell Ms. Perkins that; she wouldn't understand the severity of the situation. So Tobi was left with one choice, even if it wasn't something a good boy would do.

He lied.

"Ms. Perkins, Tobi is sorry. Tobi's parents went to the Congo for their research, and Tobi's mom caught malaria. It's hard to communicate with them, and Tobi's been very worried. Their webcam is on the fritz, so Tobi has to stay up very late to talk with them."

"Tobi, I understand that having parents who work in foreign countries can be hard, but you need to worry about yourself! Focus on your future. You need to be ready for the college credit exam this spring, so you can get into a good college! Listen, I know that you are smart enough to handle the coursework, so I'm not going to bump you down to the regular English class. But until you get your grade back to at least a B, I'm going to assign a tutor to you."

"Oh, that's really not necessary-"

"If you want to stay in my class it is. Now, Itachi Uchiha is your cousin, isn't he?"

"Yes."

"Good. I'll ask him to tutor you, say, twice a week?"

"But Ms. Perkins-!"

"That's enough, Tobi. We'll start your tutoring next week."

-later that night-

"GAAAAAH! This is a complete and total disaster!"

"You could just wish for this Perkins lady to fall off a cliff. Or a small building. Maybe even slip in the shower. **I'm easy, anything will work**."

Tobi shot a glare at Zetsu, who was reclining on the couch with a gallon of ice cream on his inexplicably flat stomach. How the genie hadn't bloated to the size of a small blimp eating all this junk food could only be the result of magic. "Tobi has told Zetsu before, killing people is not an option!"

"**No, it's just not an option you want to consider**."

"Don't you have a problem dealing with dead people anyway? Reversing that wish would technically make her a zombie!"

"**Eww**. Point taken."

"Never mind her anyway, Itachi's the problem! If he comes over here and sees Zetsu, the whole plan is blown! Tobi will never get any of his friends to finally go out, and then all this work is wasted! Tobi can't let that happen; they'll never get together if Tobi doesn't do _something_!"

"Kid, calm down," Zetsu said, patting the couch beside him. "Take a deep breath and have some ice cream."

Tobi sighed and flopped down beside the genie, reluctantly taking the spoon and munching a few spoonfuls of ice cream from the bowl Zetsu handed to him. "Sorry, Zetsu. Tobi's just upset that he messed up this badly."

"Mm," Zetsu grunted through a mouthful of ice cream.

"But, Tobi can't let that stop him! Time to fall back and regroup!" The masked teen sighed and scooped up another spoonful as he leaned back into the couch. "But that's easier said than done. Itachi's going to be here in Tobi's house, so even if Zetsu hides away, Tobi still has to work extra hard to make sure that Itachi doesn't find any of Tobi's plans, or start suspecting Tobi of conspiring!"

"Is he seriously that suspicious?"

"No, he's that smart! Itachi is a genius among geniuses. His side of the family has spent years grooming him to take over the family business, and he's always studying to get into a good business school when he's not getting tips on how to be a better businessman."

"Yikes."

"Yeah, Tobi knows. Itachi is the last person that Tobi needs in the house right now. Unless…"

"Unless?"

"That's it!" Tobi cried out, jumping up in his excitement and accidentally sending his ice cream bowl flying. "Tobi can use this to his advantage! If Tobi keeps inviting Itachi over, he can start asking about Kisame more, and then he can build a better plan! Tobi will find out everything there is to know about him and Kisame, and then craft the perfect scheme! Oh, this is perfect, Zetsu!"

The genie laughed and set his ice cream aside. "You're something else, kid. You're throwing yourself deeper and deeper into this mess, despite the fact that you get nothing out of it. Whenever something goes wrong and knocks your plans to pieces, you always get right back into it without hesitating. **Honestly, anyone with half an ounce of common sense would've given up weeks ago**."

"Hey!"

"So why haven't you? **I really don't get it**. Why won't you just leave them to deal with their own problems and use your wishes on something that'll make you happy?"

"Because Tobi loves his friends! If you really love someone, you'll do whatever you can to make them happy. Sometimes that means butting in when they'd rather be left alone, and taking risks that could be very messy or painful for you. If you do your best, and so do they, then they've got a chance at being really happy, and that makes it all worth it."

"So, if I understand you," Zetsu began as he stood and stretched, "You're incredibly selfless, you dote on the people you love the most, you can be sneaky or clever when the need arises, and you're stubborn enough that you'll never quit until you reach your goal."

"Well, err, Tobi guesses," the Uchiha answered, blushing from the string of compliments and really wishing he hadn't taken off his mask when he'd gotten home.

Suddenly, the world was turned upside-down as the young teen found himself lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling of his living room. "EEP!"

Zetsu, the cause of Tobi's world inverting itself, climbed on top of the male and effectively pinned the boy beneath him. "That settles it," he declared, grinning down at an increasingly nervous Uchiha. "Tobi, I'm going to make you my wife."


	8. Chapter 7

Never in his life had Tobi been so completely caught off-guard; and that included the moment that Zetsu first popped out of his lamp. One minute the Uchiha had been plotting the best way to get information out of Itachi, and the next he was on his back with a genie giving him a marriage proposal. Though it hadn't really been a proposal, so much as something Zetsu was certain was going to happen. Speaking of whom…

Zetsu was still smiling down at Tobi, one hand moving to intertwine with the Uchiha's while the other stroked Tobi's cheek with the pad of his thumb. He seemed quite happy this way; like a cat that's finally got a particularly juicy mouse. "What do you say, Tobi?"

Tobi had a million retorts, mostly about how Zetsu should keep his hands to himself and how Tobi had no time for relationships right now. Instead, what came out of his mouth was a high-pitched shriek of, "Tobi wishes Zetsu's pants were full of angry lobsters!"

POOF

"OWW! **Damn, ow, little crustacean bastards**!" Zetsu shouted, reaching down into his bulging, wiggling trousers as he tried to remove all the lobsters by hand. Tobi used this opening to barrel-roll off the couch and take off down the hallway, running up the stairs and into his room for safety from the demented genie. "Phew. That was close!" the hyperactive teen remarked as he bolted the door behind him.

POP

"Eep!"

Zetsu was now standing in the middle of Tobi's bedroom, pants free of lobsters and pinch marks all over his fingers from when the afore-mentioned lobsters had been removed. "That wasn't a very good boy thing to do," the genie remarked, though there was no trace of anger in his voice. If anything, Zetsu sounded rather amused. "**But I have to give you points for creativity**."

"Tobi can't be your wife!" the Uchiha blurted out, backing up until his back was firmly pressed against the door.

"Why not? I can give you anything you want. Money, power, fame, and if you let me between your legs-"

"GAAAAAH! No, no, no!" Tobi shouted, covering his ears with his hands before Zetsu could finish his statement. "Tobi can't just marry Zetsu! Tobi has to be dating someone before he marries them!" he exclaimed, as though this should be the most obvious thing in the world. Not that Tobi had ever dated anyone, mind you, or that he had any intention of dating in the near future. His friends had to be his priority right now; and besides, no one had ever really struck his fancy in that way.

"Ah, so you require a bit of romance." Zetsu chuckled and slunk across the room to Tobi, smirking as he cupped the Uchiha's cheek with one hand and blocked him in with the other arm. "**For such a devious thing, you can be quite sweet**."

"Tobi is…that's not…Zetsu…"

"Oh, say no more, dear Tobi," Zetsu cut in with a chuckle, sweeping the younger man up in his arms and dipping him low to the ground. "**If there's one thing that I'm particularly good at, it's seduction.**"

"But-"

"Just you wait, Tobi. Give me a couple of weeks, at most a month, and you'll be begging to be my wife." Still smirking and chuckling now, Zetsu stole a kiss from the thoroughly confused and disturbed teenager, making Tobi squeak and turn six different shades of red. "For now, though, I have to make plans of my own. **Plans that I'm sure you'll enjoy in oh so many ways.** Try not to need me too soon for this next scheme of yours, hm?" And with that, Zetsu disappeared in a puff of smoke, causing Tobi to fall backwards and land on the floor of his room none-too-gently. Tobi lay there for quite some time, breathing heavily as his face turned a vibrant shade of scarlet. "Why couldn't mom and dad just send Tobi a cursed book or a jar full of ancient malaria?" he groaned, covering his eyes with his hands. Just what he needed. Another complication.

-n-

Whatever Zetsu was plotting apparently needed a few days of preparation; Tobi didn't see or hear from the genie for nearly a week. It was a good thing too, since Itachi had started tutoring him at this point; everything would have fallen to pieces if the smarter Uchiha had found any trace of Zetsu in Tobi's house.

Now, Tobi definitely had the intelligence to do well in his English class, and merely lacked time and sleep to actually perform at his best. However, if Itachi figured this out, he would almost certainly cancel their tutoring sessions and just tell Tobi to get more sleep and spend less time on whatever was taking away his attention from school. As a result, Tobi had to walk a very fine line with Itachi of pretending to be slightly stupider than he really was, but not to the point where Itachi would suspect anything. "Wait, so what's the old man supposed to represent?"

"Old age, Tobi. He just represents the folly of wasting youth and trying to keep up with younger boys when you turn really old."

"But none of the younger boys-"

Tobi's comment was cut off when Itachi's phone started beeping, making the weasel frown. "I'm sorry Tobi, I have to take this call."

"It's fine Itachi, Tobi doesn't mind." The masked teen watched as his cousin quickly exited the dining room where the boys were currently studying, answering the phone once he was through the doorway and speaking in hushed whispers thereafter.

Tobi had a very strong feeling that part of the reason his faux stupidity hadn't been found out yet was due to the fact that Itachi was constantly answering calls, texts, or emails during their study session. He never seemed to be happy to receive any of these communications, but was always prompt in replying to whoever was on the other end of the phone. It was only their first tutoring session, but Tobi had the distinct feeling that as long as Itachi was dealing with issues on the other end of the phone, it would be next to impossible to get the weasel to relax enough to go on a date with Kisame. Therefore, Tobi needed to figure out who or what was troubling his cousin so much.

There was, however, a major roadblock to this plan: namely, that Itachi seemed to be fused to his phone at all times.

Moments later Itachi walked back into the room, pocketing his phone with a sigh as he returned to his seat. "Sorry about that."

"It's fine, Itachi!" The weasel's stomach suddenly started growling, making him blush slightly. "Wow, Itachi sounds hungry!"

"Hn."

"Don't worry, Tobi has popcorn!" Before his cousin could voice any objections made out of misplaced politeness, Tobi dashed into the kitchen and fished a bag of popcorn out of the pantry. If he couldn't feed Itachi, then Itachi would have to go somewhere else for food, lessening the amount of time that Tobi had to collect data on him! And besides all that, the weasel really did think he was here to try and help his cousin, so the least Tobi could do would be to offer a bag of popcorn to him.

Smiling to himself for being such a good boy, Tobi opened the microwave and quickly tossed the bag inside as Itachi's phone began to ring again in the next room over. Hearing the phone go off gave Tobi a brilliant idea. Peeking his head out to quickly make sure that Itachi wasn't going to be coming into the kitchen any time soon, the masked Uchiha "accidentally" pressed the defrost button on the microwave instead of the popcorn button. Now he just had to hope that fate would be on his side tonight. Crossing his fingers, Tobi went back into the dining room.

Itachi's phone call, unfortunately, ended before Tobi's plan could go into effect. However, not even a couple minutes later the weasel got an email that demanded a long reply, which he typed out very slowly and meticulously.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Itachi's head jerked up as the smoke detector went off, and both he and Tobi looked towards the kitchen to see smoke pouring out of the doorway. "I was starting to think the popcorn was taking too long," he muttered as he got up from his seat and (mercifully) left his phone behind. "Tobi, would you open the windows in here?"

"Sure thing Itachi!" the younger cousin replied as Itachi went into the kitchen to deal with the popcorn. As soon as the weasel was gone, Tobi grabbed the phone and quickly looked through the names of people who had recently sent Itachi emails, writing their names in the margins of his notebook. Hearing his cousin approach, Tobi quickly turned to a new page of his notebook and hopped up from his seat, pretending to be having trouble getting the window in the dining room to open. "Darn things haven't been opened in a while," he explained, finally prying one open to let the smoke out.

"Hn," was all Itachi had to say on that matter. "Be more careful, Tobi. I think you might have pressed the defrost button."

"Oops! Tobi is sorry, Itachi."

"Don't worry. I put a new bag in the microwave so we won't starve." As Itachi said that, there was the barest hint of a smile tugging at the edge of his mouth.

"Thank you Itachi." The weasel nodded, smile disappearing from his face as he switched back into study mode. Soon enough, the cousins were back to doing English homework.

-the next day-

Tobi spent several hours researching Itachi's contacts after he got home from school. Much to his surprise, most of the people were older men who were either current corporate CEOs or had been in the past. A number of them had made business deals with the Uchiha Corporation in recent years, but some of the names seemed to have no connection to any of the Uchihas at all. "How strange," Tobi remarked as he crossed off the final name on the list. Well at least now he knew who these people were; but what could they possibly want with Itachi, and at all hours of the day as well?

"Well well, looks like someone is hard at work," Zetsu purred into Tobi's ear as he draped his arms around the younger man.

Tobi, naturally, took off like a shot and dove for the safety of his bathroom, shutting the door behind him with a loud slam. "This is private work, Zetsu!" he shouted.

POP

"You know that putting a door between us won't help," Zetsu purred, smirking down at a rather frazzled Tobi. "**Especially since I have a thing for men who play hard to get**."

"Zetsu, Tobi really needs to concentrate right now!" the Uchiha tried to argue. "Tobi's just made a break into the inner workings of Itachi's mind!"

"In that case, a celebration is in order," the genie stated. The dual-colored man snapped his fingers, and suddenly there was a candlelit table before him covered with steaming, savory foods and a large bottle of wine. "How about it?"

"This is Tobi's bathroom!" the teenager protested. "And Tobi still has school work to do!"

"Then just wish for me to finish it," Zetsu suggested. "That way, you can spend all night with me, doing whatever we want."

"Tobi wishes Zetsu would take a cold shower!"

The genie suddenly found himself being flung backwards into the bathtub, where the faucets magically turned themselves on and drenched the man in a frigid downpour. "**Shit that's cold!**"

"Now does Zetsu get it?!" Tobi snapped in an exasperated manner. Really, this was becoming too much for the poor teenager to handle.

At that moment, something appeared to click in the genie's mind, and he smiled at the teen. "Oh, Tobi," he murmured, leaning forward to adjust the water temperature, "you didn't have to make up an excuse."

"An excuse for what?"

"**If you wanted to shower with me, all you had to do was ask**." Zetsu reached down and grabbed the bottom of his shirt, slowly lifting it up to pull it off-

WHAM

The genie chuckled and shook his head, looking at the bathroom door that Tobi had just dashed through once more. "Poor thing; he's so shy. **I bet he'll be fun once he gets over it though**."

On the other side of the door, Tobi, while trying to get his breathing under control and waiting for his face to return to its normal color, was left to wonder exactly where it was written in the laws of the universe that good boys like him deserved to get sexually harassed by ancient perverted genies.


	9. Chapter 8

Tobi knew that he was at an impasse in his scheming, much as he hated to admit it. Despite his attempts over the last few days to discover what connection the old folks in Itachi's phone actually had to Itachi himself, Tobi had turned up nothing concrete, other than a few photos of Itachi near these people at private meetings or public lunches. There had to be a better way to go about his search than just looking through pictures on the Internet!

Unfortunately, Tobi couldn't devote all his attention to researching Itachi's acquaintances right now, because at the moment a good portion of his focus needed to go to keeping Zetsu from molesting him at all hours of the day. The genie had yet to be permanently rebuffed by any of Tobi's protests, and now alternated between the subtle (such as showering Tobi with romantic gifts that included lingerie) and the direct (such as pouncing on Tobi while wearing the afore-mentioned lingerie). It was enough to make a grown man tear out his hair in frustration. For the time being, Tobi had settled for getting creative in his ways of wishing for Zetsu to cool off. Still, there was no way Tobi could keep up his work in this house…

An idea suddenly came to the masked teen. Tobi sat up on his bed and began scrolling through the contact list on his phone, at last coming to "Mikoto U." Smiling, the boy pressed the call button and waited for his aunt to pick up on the other end.

The phone rang twice, and then a very familiar woman's voice said, "Tobi?"

"Hi Auntie Mikoto!"

"Hello Tobi, it's good to hear from you! How have you been?"

"Pretty good, auntie!"

"Good. Have you heard from your parents lately? We got a postcard from them a few months ago, but I haven't heard a peep from either of them since!"

Tobi had to smile at Mikoto's concern. Though not related to Tobi's family by blood, she and Tobi's mother had been best friends growing up; it was actually thanks to Mikoto that Tobi's parents had met in the first place, as guests at Fugaku and Mikoto's wedding. "They're doing well. It'll be a few more months before they come home though."

"Oh, I'm sorry sweetie. I know how much you miss them when they're on their trips."

"It's fine, auntie! Sometimes Tobi gets lonely, especially taking care of such a big empty house, but he understands that his parents have very important work to do." Tobi held his breath, hoping he'd set the right bait. 3, 2, 1-

"Tobi, I'm making lasagna for dinner tonight; plenty more than my boys can eat. How about you come over? We haven't seen you in such a long time."

"Oh, Tobi doesn't want to impose-"

"Nonsense! Come over at 6, supper will be on the table by 6:30. See you then!"

"All right, thank you auntie! Goodbye!" Tobi hung up his phone with a grin on his face. "Excellent. Between Uncle Fugaku's bragging about Itachi and Auntie Mikoto's gossiping about her family any time she can, Tobi will learn the truth in no time! Plus, it'll be great to eat auntie's food after all those instant meals."

"Making dinner plans?"

Tobi jerked his head up to see Zetsu hovering in midair above his bed, smiling down at the teenager. "A formal affair? **Should I get dressed up**?"

"Er, no, Tobi's just going to eat with his family!"

Zetsu suddenly dropped down on top of the Uchiha, pinning him to the bed. "Tobi, introducing me to the family already? **Such a surprise**."

"Tobi wasn't going to-"

"Oh, don't worry, I promise to tell them I have only the best intentions towards you. **Even if that's not exactly true**," the genie chuckled, leaning down and nipping at Tobi's neck.

"Er, ah, Zetsu…"

"**Shh, relax cutie**," Zetsu purred, taking advantage of Tobi's missing mask to kiss his way up to the teen's lips. "Enjoy it."

"Ahh…" Tobi was very tempted to take Zetsu up on that offer. He'd never had someone kiss him, except for relatives and that was just on the cheek. This was much better; lots of tongue on tongue action, very warm, and the spicy smell of Zetsu completely surrounding him. Tobi felt himself beginning to melt, letting his guard slip-

And suddenly Zetsu's hand was slipping under his shirt.

Tobi's eyes went wide and he quickly shoved the genie off him. Before Zetsu could regain his senses, Tobi cried out, "Tobi wishes Zetsu was on an African safari!" There was a 'pop,' and Zetsu suddenly vanished.

Tobi sat up in bed, panting as he tried to calm himself down. "That was close. Tobi can't have another slipup like that!" Pushing Zetsu from his mind, Tobi went to the bathroom to check for hickies on his neck; if he showed up to a family dinner with any visible marks, things would certainly be rather awkward.

-n-

At exactly 6 that night, the doorbell rang at Fugaku Uchiha's house. Mikoto answered the door with a smile on her face, please to see her favorite nephew on the other side. "Hello Tobi," she said as she lifted the boy's mask briefly and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm so glad you decided to come over! Everyone is in the living room right now; dinner will be ready soon."

Tobi showed himself to the living room as Mikoto went back to the kitchen to finish cooking. Fugaku and Itachi were both sitting on the couch, Fugaku reading a newspaper and Itachi pouring over a very heavy book in his lap. Sasuke was on the floor in front of them, staring at the TV as he played some sort of medieval RPG. "Hi everyone!"

Fugaku and Itachi both looked up, but Sasuke stayed focused on his game. "Tobi, it's good to see you." Fugaku remarked. "Mikoto mentioned you'd be coming over tonight. Itachi, Sasuke, say hi to your cousin."

"Hn," the brothers grumbled in unison.

"Honestly, you boys are the least social children I've ever known," Fugaku muttered as he went back to reading his newspaper.

Tobi, used to his family's less than stellar social interactions, took a seat in a nearby armchair and began putting his scheme into motion. First, start out with some small talk. "Whatcha doing Sasuke?"

"Shh! I'm 500 points away from beating Itachi's high score!"

"Doesn't matter if you can't beat the time limit too," Itachi remarked as he went back to reading his books.

Sasuke's character was suddenly flattened by the giant orc he'd been fighting, making the boy cry out and toss away the controller. "I was so close to finally beating Itachi at something!"

"You'll never beat me, little brother," Itachi stated. "You lack hatred…for the final boss."

"Really Itachi, you have other things to worry about right now then whether or not your little brother can beat some score on your old games. Speaking of, have you spoken to Mr. Hyuuga lately?"

Tobi had to resist the urge to squeal; that was one of the families he'd seen on the list!

"Dinner's ready everyone!" Mikoto called out, sticking her head into the living room. "Uh-uh-uh," she chided, seeing Itachi and Fugaku getting up with their literature in hand, "No books or newspapers at the table! Honestly, if I weren't here you two would starve to death because you'd be too busy reading to remember to eat." The two Uchihas set their things on the couch before following Mikoto into the dining room, Fugaku's question now forgotten. Shoot, Tobi had been so close!

Any chance at extracting more information was postponed until after the five Uchihas had stuffed themselves on salad, lasagna, and garlic bread. The conversation finally picked up when Mikoto began clearing off the table to make room for dessert. "Itachi, I need you to meet with Mr. Haruno tomorrow for dinner," Fugaku stated. "Normally I wouldn't ask this of you on a school night, but his family was rather…well…"

"It's fine," Itachi replied in a soft monotone. "I know how they can be."

"Fugaku, you need to stop getting these girls' hopes up!" Mikoto scolded as she came back into the room, arms laden down with brownies ala mode. "It's going to crash and burn before you know it!"

Tobi was very confused by now. Girls? Itachi had been in contact with old people, not girls!

"Urgh, can we please eat dessert without talking about Itachi's love life?" Sasuke grumbled.

"Sasuke!" Mikoto chided.

"I'm sure Tobi doesn't want to hear about this," Itachi cut in, motioning towards his extremely confused cousin.

"Oh, sorry Tobi," Fugaku mumbled through a mouthful of ice cream. "Business talk, you know." And with that the conversation turned towards more mundane topics, leaving Tobi extremely frustrated.

-n-

After dinner Tobi and Itachi went up to the weasel's room to study, giving Tobi the perfect opportunity to bring up what he'd heard at dinner earlier. "So, what was Uncle Fugaku talking about earlier? Does Itachi have a secret girlfriend?"

Itachi sighed, shutting the English textbook in front of them. "Tobi, can you keep a secret?"

"Sure."

"I mean it. Not even Kisame knows about this."

"Tobi promises."

Deciding to believe his cousin, Itachi began to explain the situation. "Last year, I attended a business meeting with dad. Afterwards, we went to a dinner with several of his good friends and their families. Apparently…several of their daughters saw me and…took a liking to me."

Tobi blinked in surprise behind his mask. "Oh."

"Since then, they've been using their fathers' connections to try and spend more time with me," Itachi went on, "usually under the guise of taking in interest in their parent's job to attend more meetings."

"That's kind of extreme."

"Dad has been reluctant to stop this," Itachi explained, "because telling his friends to bar their daughters from attending our meetings would definitely be overstepping his boundaries. Thus, I am left to either hope that they lose interest in me…"

"Or?"

"Or pick one to date and eventually marry."

"What?!"

"It makes good business sense," Itachi explained. "A marriage to any one of these girls would be good for the Uchiha company; and they're all very sweet. I'm actually friends with a few."

"But that's-! Tobi can't believe that! Itachi can't just marry someone because it's the easy option!"

"It's not the easy option, Tobi. It's the only one I have. If I refuse all the girls or just wait for them to leave, there will be hurt feelings and repercussions from them when they complain to their fathers."

"But it's not what Itachi wants!"

"I don't think I'll ever really get what I want, though," Itachi replied softly. "So I'll take the only other thing I want, which is to make sure that my family and our business are both taken care of."

"Itachi-"

"Forget it. Sorry; I needed to vent. Let's return to your homework now." For the rest of the evening, all the boys would talk about was Tobi's book report.

-n-

Tobi returned to his house later that night, extremely worried for his cousin. Sasori had been in imminent danger of giving up on Deidara once and for all, but Itachi was actually planning to marry someone other than Kisame! It wasn't fair to Itachi, to the girl he married, or to anyone involved! Tobi had to put a stop to this, and do it soon, before Itachi actually followed through with his plan and decided to date one of these girls.

But this issue with the girls had brought up a bigger problem. If Itachi's parents were seriously considering letting Itachi date one of these women, it meant that his cousin was still firmly stuck in the closet, at least to his family.

Moreover, the weasel had said something about doing this because he had to settle, since he couldn't get the thing he was actually after. What was it he was after, and why was it out of Itachi's reach? Normally if Itachi wanted something, he could easily get it through a combination of hard work and high intellect. What, then, was out of the realm of possibility for him?

Tobi flopped down on his bed with a frustrated growl, burying his face in an ostrich pelt. Wait, ostrich pelt?

"Tobi, if you wanted me to give you more exotic presents, all you had to do was ask," Zetsu purred, having suddenly appeared hovering over Tobi's bed. "How about next time we go to the North Pole and get a nice polar bear pelt? **We can use it to keep warm in our igloo**-"

WHAM

Tobi gasped for breath as he barricaded himself in the bathroom, hoping it would take some time for the genie to dislodge the ostrich feathers from his throat. "This is gonna be harder than Tobi thought."


End file.
